CANADA'S SOURCE FOR AZTEC SOCCER HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE

Text Ads and Text Links on The Toque Text Security Cameras Humor TopSites Biting Satire Funniest Jokes Super Duper Pages Directory Online Golf Dating Women Bowling Diet Weight Loss Apartments For Rent Home Equity Loan Fucked Up Link Dump Electric Bikes Learn English Free MP3s Funny Pets Home Garden Centers Canada Travel Funny Signs Good Canadian Website Free Emoticon Smiley Generator Really Bad Hair Womens Health Poker Gaming Sites I Have To Confess Cel Phones Refreshing News Rewarding Loans Car Insurance Lying Scumbag Pet Names Free Website Games Myspace Layouts Wacky Videos Puzzles And Stuff Text Link Advertising Modest Houses Language School Start Your Own Cult Evil Guide Grouchy Joe Proud American Bachelor Tips Domain Under Construction The Lord Above Virtual Web Log Nude Pictures Of Jessica Simpson Geek Jokes, Computer Jokes Funny Baby Pictures Adult Jokes Funny, Strange, Bizarre New Stories & Pictures! Daily Humor, Satire, And Funny Stories Advertise Text Links on The Toque

Heads, You Lose Amigo

SOUTH AMERICA-- Soccer. They say it's only a game, but those who play it in South America know better. While you'd think that being defeated in a soccer match isn't something most people would lose their head over, the Colombian Elite League (Ligua Elita Colombia) takes the game a little more seriously. Colombia is one of the few countries in the world that still punishes the losing soccer team by demanding their heads. It brings new meaning--or rather brings back an ancient meaning--to the term "forfeit the match."

Colombian women play soccer with the head of a former Peruvian football player.

Colombia claims that soccer-beheading laws reflect the ancient traditions of the Aztecs who would sacrifice the losers (or winners, depending on your perspective) of a soccer-like ball game to appease the god Huitzilopochtli, encourage the movement of the stars in the heavens, and bring fertility and prosperity to their lands. Critics counter that the Aztecs never lived in Colombia, but those critics are seldom heard from again.

With the popularity of soccer (football) in Colombia at its highest level ever, other countries are starting to revive the exciting head-severing practice. Guatemala is preserving the soccer-beheading tradition, while the Hondurans are preserving the heads of popular fallen players. And the Costa Ricans have been selling souvenir soccer heads to American cruise-ship tourists--who most say having been paying far too much.

With the stakes so high, the players realize that even an exhibition game requires a full effort. And the coin toss is always a battle, although the home team will invariably call "heads."

"These traditions are certainly giving the teams a real incentive to win," said Diego de la Riviera, a midfielder for Sporting Magdalena, a favoured team from Bogota. "Teams will do their utmost to get 'a head' early in the game, but they can't rest on their laurels--because if they do, they may not long have a head to rest those laurels on."

There is no shortage of willing and talented soccer players for the premier league. Although the risk is high, so are the rewards, as the winning players are revered like princes, or Colombian prince-like royalty. But most play for the love of the game, and out of respect for their history. A rare few are simply in it for the ladies.

An interesting result of these to-the-death sporting matches is that Colombian soccer has introduced a few terms into our vocabulary--like 'lop-sided'--because the losing side's heads were 'lopped-off' immediately after the end of the match. There's just something exciting about a soccer game with something at stake--like a head on the end of one.

In Europe, soccer-beheading laws were repealed in the 1940's to help the population growth after the war. But the Italians will occasionally drag losing teams through the streets before hanging them, and the English will pillory their losers--especially if a Premiere League team puts in a particularly poor effort. However, these spectacles lack the flourish and public bravado of the Colombian exhibitions, and they take away from the traditional English rioting.

Unless the gods display their displeasure, the Colombians are going to continue with the practice, although they may ease up on murdering unsuccessful training camp tryouts.

"Keeping these mystic ritual sacrifices alive is good for the game, and good for our crops," said de la Riviera. "It's certainly filling our arenas. With enough blood splashing down the steep stone steps of our sacred temples, we can be assured that the sun will rise again tomorrow, and the corn in our fields will grow tall and strong."

Although the soccer-beheading laws may seem harsh to sensitive North American audiences, they provide a unique--and time-honoured--solution that appeases the bloodlust of both the fans and the gods.

Archived Stories - Sports