 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Showing your emotions can be a sensitive business when you're an active evil super-villain with a world to be conquered. Most of the time you need to appear confident, perhaps even haughty, unfazeable and on top of every situation--and of course, the world. But deep inside I know know that you have a deep sadness that runs deep, very deep indeed. I understand that you've suffered some unspeakable trauma that set you on your course of wicked rampantness, and all the evil laughter in the world is not going to lessen the pain. Hi, my name is Frank Herschel, better known during my heyday as Captain Electro. During my time at the top of the Charts of Terror (1971 to 1978) even I was haunted by the cold, black bouts of despair. Many times I felt like giving it all up, curling up into a ball on my logo-embossed marble floor and sobbing helplessly for my adopted cyborg mother. However, with a few simple mental techniques I always managed to pull myself back together, and I would still be a villain to be reckoned with today--if it wasn't for that goody two-shoes super boob and his pock-faced upstart teen sideboob. But enough about the past. The first thing you need to realize if you're going to ride the rollercoaster of evil super-emotions is that--every once in a while--it's okay to cry. There, I've said it. Many evil villains, and superheros too--blast them all to smithereens--claim that there should be no show of emotions, that we should appear like stone-faced poker players. Now not only is this unrealistic, it's unhealthy, and you know those worry lines will start to show sooner. Look at what happened to the Golden Gargoyle, a close friend of mine--as close as an evil conqueror can have. The Golden Gargoyle's modus operandi was "I am a rock," and indeed, due to a freak masonry accident at the quarry while working as a junior stonecutter, his body became as strong as the hardest granite. Those kinds of accidents--the ones that force you to withdraw from your loved ones, and lead you to cut off all ties with humanity leaving you with only an orphaned one-eyed Komodo Dragon named Slither as a friend, can't help but leave some kind of scar. Unfortunately the Golden Gargoyle refused to look at his own feelings. How often I remember seeing his trembling lower lip when I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm okay," he would say quietly, then turn away, breathe deeply and square his granite shoulders before turning around again to face the next wimpy doer-of-good. His unwillingness to admit his inner sadness caused him to crumble. He became sloppy and uncaring; he destroyed historic buildings and valuable technologies, often destroying the very object he was trying to steal, like the world's largest imitation opal or the world's largest solid-chocolate Easter bunny. His gold-flecked granite skin became more and more brittle and finally it all ended when he tried to attack an army tank with the wrong end of a jackhammer. I recovered his heart from the rubble. It was a lump of quartz crystal with crack through the middle. Admit to yourself that you do feel the hurt, and when you are alone in a dark room planning your world takeover, allow that pain to bubble up into tears now and then. You'll feel better, refreshed, and stronger afterward. Don't do this too often or you'll lose your edge, but every now and then will do you a world of good--I mean evil. So when you are feeling unusually mopey, repeat to yourself that "it sometimes happens that a super villain feels sad." When you admit to yourself that it is possible to feel sad, it allows you to deal with the pain and turn your sadness into a bitter rage that you can focus at the world, an anger so deep and black you'll want to destroy those who made you feel sad in the first place--there's motivation for you! My last tip is to avoid feel-good drugs: they make you forget your focus, which is to take over the world obviously, and instead make you want to give everyone a hug. Well that isn't going to work when you've got the entire United World Council trembling at the end of your laser frap ray is it? Admit
that you have feelings, but use them to hone your anger. Don't allow your
despondency to destroy you--use it to lash out and increase your power!
Captain Electro's Evil Archive
|
|||||||||||||
 |
|
||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
