 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR COMPUTER GEEK HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
IN FRONT OF THE MONITOR--Every geek knows that spending 12-16 hours in front of the computer each day isn't exactly healthy. It's not that geeks are unhealthy, it's just that nine hours of woodchopping in Everquest and seven hours of Quake deathmatching doesn't fit into the accepted definition of physical exercise. The problem with spending so much time planted in front of the computer, is that the body has a tendency to slip into conservation mode, making it more difficult to burn the calories necessary to keep the weight off. But with a few simple exercises, even computer geeks can lead longer healthier lives.
No one likes doing sit-ups, and crunches aren't much more desirable. But if you're a geek who wants to keep your midsection in check, you need to work out those abdominal muscles. A great solution is to buy a u-shaped computer desk, with sections on three sides. Put one monitor on each side, and use your stomache muscles to swivel your computer chair around to each screen. Twisting your abdominal muscles around to each terminal will help you tone your tummy in no time. This is an exercise can be performed every day, but the down-side to this, is that soon you won't be able to use your gut as a TV tray. LEGS You won't get much of a workout running virtual laps on an Unreal Tournament map. Blood circulation--although a concern--is usually a non-issue, as most computer geeks wear sweatpants and loose-fitting vendorware t-shirts. Some geeks try placing an exercise bike in front of their desks, but the pedaling motion makes it almost impossible to accurately snipe your enemy with a rail gun. Putting your laptop on top of a professional cycling machine is a better solution, but it requires that you leave your basement suite. So, the most sensible suggestion is to purchase a racing pedal interface that you can control with your legs and feet. You will need to purchase a copy of Need For Speed, but your soft flabby legs will thank you. BACK Getting up out of your chair to go to the fridge to get a pizza pocket isn't going to be enough to keep your back strong. But if you are geek who likes to attend LAN parties, or you tend to upgrade your equipment more often than others, then you probably get a little more exercise just from moving your hardware around. The monitor or "CPU Squat" is an excellent activity that will strengthen your lower back. If you are just starting out, we suggest that you begin with an LCD monitor, probably no more than 17". ARMS/SHOULDERS Spending hour after hour in your now-molded computer chair will cause your shoulders to sag. It's only natural for you to slouch and slump when most of your waking day is spent with your ass planted firmly in one place. One suggestion to tone your shoulder muscles is to hold two (full) cans of Mountain Dew out at your sides and raise them up to shoulder level. Repeat this two or three times or until your shoulders get tired. This exercise will also work with Dr. Pepper, Jolt, or Red Bull. You can work your way up to 2-litre bottles when your shoulders are strong enough. WRISTS Avoiding repetitive stress syndrome is important for the professional geek. Ergonomic keyboards will reduce the risk, but you're not exercising your wrists when they're just resting on the edge of your desk. Squishy stress balls that you get from attending Comdex or other computer fairs help a lot, but it's not enough. Buy yourself force feedback game pads and a joystick, and be sure to spend at least an hour a day playing flight simulators. This will help keep your wrists strong and flexible. Also, if you're more technically inclined, and tend to install or repair your own computer hardware, turning the handle on a screwdriver while working on a computer case is a simple, yet excellent exercise that will also develop stronger wrist muscles. CHEST It's not going to be easy to tone those saggy man breasts. Your goal here should be to keep yourself out of a manziere until you're at least twenty-five. Perhaps attaching four or five of Dr. Ho's electric muscle stimulators will help you develop tighter, fitter chest muscles. I think there may be a USB version. But whatever you do, don't overclock! Always
consult a physician before jumping into these rigorous exercises. And
remember, as a computer geek, most of your muscle groups are under-developed
from spending all those summer days at your desk instead of outside at
the park, in the gym, or on the ball field.
Archived Stories - Computers/Internet
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
|
|||||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
