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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR NATIONAL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OTTAWA-- Millions of Canadians struggle with credit card debt. But it's not their fault. Credit card companies lure and entice consumers with travel points, rewards miles, and other spending incentives. The credit problem is serious enough that it threatens the stability of the Canadian economy. So, in an effort to stabilize consumer over-spending, the Canadian government has come up with a plan to deal with the mounting credit problems that its citizens face. The government concluded, that if Canadians are going to continue to pay excessive monthly finance charges, and owe all that money anyway, the revenue (and the interest) might as well go to them. That's why the federal government has introduced the Social Insurance Credit Card, a national solution to the financial problem of credit card debt.
But with the new Social Insurance Credit Card (SICC), which will replace the existing Social Insurance Number (SIN), the government can take over the lucrative credit business, while at the same time, automatically calculate income tax, GST, and finance other source deductions such as EI and CPP. The process will streamline revenue collection, effectively cutting out the middle-man (men), and enabling them to funnel funds directly into the national coffers. Social Insurance Credit Cards will be issued to every Canadian citizen, permanent resident, or immigrant with revenue-earning potential. An initial "set-up" fee will help cover the administration of processing new Canadians, and the size of that fee could possibly help accelerate immigration applications and refugee claims. "Just think of it as a membership fee," said one bureaucrat."You'll remain a Canadian as long as you pay the minimum monthly payment." The Receiver General's office is thrilled with the idea of a unified national credit system. "We've already got a collection department," said Bill Charter, Canada's Lieutenant-Governor Receiver. "And we can easily integrate SICC payments as payroll deductions. Debit machines will be linked to a government database, and when we facilitate direct deposit transactions from employers, we'll be able to control the whole spending cycle. Hell, we could instantly send tax refunds into Canadians' accounts, although we don't want to be too hasty." Most credit cards have a maximum interest rate of 29.8% annually, but for the SICC, the interest rate will hover around 49%, because Canadians are already used to being raped by their personal income tax, and expect to be hit with hidden taxes, user fees, and other nameless surcharges. The SICC will also be used with Canada's Income Securities Programs. When a Canadian reaches the age of sixty, Canada Pension Plan credits will be applied to the Canadian's account. After appropriate transaction fees are calculated in, the monthly allowance should be just enough money to allow a senior Canadian to barely scrape by. Hopefully, the new SICC program will help reduce the overwhelming problem of credit card debt. At the very least, federal officials believe that the program will generate enough revenue to offset the bloated salaries of consulting agency executives who were contracted for this pilot project. And if all
goes well, the government will launch the exclusive Social Insurance Gold
Card next year, a credit card which will screw Canadians around even more,
but it will make them feel better about themselves for it.
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