Cultural diversity and political correctness are important to the members of the Focking Observatory.

Fellow stargazers. I know that we are all mature astronomers, and that our workplace is a progressive one that respects the diversity of our staff members. We are sensitive to the needs of our team.

However, it has been brought to my attention that many of the traditional astronomical terms are making some members of our staff...uncomfortable. In this scientific day and age, we, as astronomers, must look beyond the stars, and leave racially sensitive comments behind. This we must do in the name of science. To complete this transition to a culturally neutral observatory, and meet the standards of political correctness in the workplace, we have offered to change the names of several offensive astral entities to assuage the concerns of everyone, including our visible minority staff.

Dr. Felix Brown, our esteemed African-American astrophysicist, from the University of Capetown, has been a champion in this effort, and has brought to our attention several examples of astronomical terms that could be misinterpreted, and are possibly racist in nature. Although Dr. Brown has pointed out several entities, objects, and anomalies that may be offensive to his racial background, he is particularly offended by the term "black hole." Dr. Brown, has offered the suggestion that black holes be referred to as "light-sucking vortexes."

We thank Dr. Chin, who has been leading our Gamma Hydra 9 project, for bringing to our attention the racially sensitive term "yellow giant." I must apologize, although until now I was not aware of the good doctor's glandular problem.

Dr. Smallbow, our vertically-challenged First Nations staff member from Kicking Horse College in Red Deer, has identified and expressed his discomfort with the astronomy term "red dwarf," although he admits he is a huge fan of the British comedy series. Further to that, he has no problem with Mars being called the "red planet," nor does feel that red suns are hurtful, although Superman may have something to say about that.

In addition, Dr. Sheila, our female Australian colleague, demands that we refrain from the use of the term "vacuum of space," believing that it improperly infers a relationship between women and domestic chores. She is further inflamed by the word "comet," which refers to a well-known household cleaning agent. Dr. Sheila also wishes to remind the male astronomers about the ongoing issue with the observatory toilet seat being left up, but we will discuss that with her after she has finished with our dinner dishes.

Dr. Singh, our Indian representative from the observatory of Karesh in New Delhi, who by the way, is very conscious of his overweight condition, would ask that we refrain from mentioning the Big Dipper. He would also ask that we stop "currying favour" with him, as he gets the joke.

And Wayne, our non-heterosexual telescope operator, is insisting that we include more same-sex terms like flare stars, and suggested that we come up with more homo-friendly terms such as Queer-sar, Gay-telgeuse or Al-fag Centauri. He has agreed to stop complaining if Dr. Brown and Dr. Chin agree to stop teasing him about the probe to Uranus.

In addition to these relatively minor changes, which I am sure we will all agree upon, we have also received a court-order from the Disney corporation demanding that we cease and desist with use of the term "Pluto." From now on, we must refer to Pluto as "Good Ol' Planet #9."

And finally, Venus, which rhymes with the male sex organ, will be changed to Regina, in honour of the royal family.

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