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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR GAMING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
IN THE COMPUTER ROOM-- There have been great leaps in technology in the past five years, leading to the creation of powerful personal computers capable of playing spectacular games. CPUs, video cards, and RAM are faster than ever, which is challenging software programmers to push the envelope in the new gaming experience. But even in this modern age of video gaming, there are still many underprivileged children playing games on older, slower PCs. These outdated systems are barely capable of running software titles created in the past two years, and this is leaving many children choking on slower, graphics-impaired systems, and stagnating their young impressionable minds.
"There's no excuse," said Dr. Phan. "Advanced hardware is plentiful, systems are affordable, and with high-speed connections, games can be pirated faster than ever. There's no reason why every household shouldn't have a computer built after 2003." Little Bobby Mercer, 9, has only a Pentium III-500 with 256megs of SDRAM, and has never felt the joy or adrenaline rush from a new game title. Boby can only play simple games that perform using DirectX-6 or less, and he has never even seen a game with full detail or 32-bit colour. While Bobby's friends enjoy great new games such as Halo, Call Of Duty, and Warcraft III, poor Bobby is starving his brain with two-dimensional side-scrollers, Tetris clones, and cheesy card games from Hoyle. Little Bobby is not alone. Recent statistics suggest that 38% of households have computers that are Pentium III class or less--a truly staggering figure when you consider the price of an affordable E-machine. Fortunately, there are charitable organizations that are working to improve gaming conditions for underprivileged middle-class children. Many of these non-profit groups donate time and hardware in an effort to ease the suffering of starving, under-nourished gamers. "Many children go to sleep at night not knowing the joy that comes from chaingunning down a charging herd of mutant bulls in Serious Sam, or piloting a rogue space fighter in Freelancer," said Alanna Noisette of Save the Gamers, a high-tech charity that gives still-playable computer systems to those in need. "These poor kids must content themselves with simple fare, such as SimCity 3000, Mall Tycoon, or Unreal Tournament 2003. They don't know what it's like to pound their thumbs numb on a keyboard, or have their eyes dry out from staring at a monitor for eighteen hours straight. We have to save them, and only you can help." But even Save the Gamers has problems with older equipment. "We rely on donations of new and used--but still acceptable--equipment. But people throw the worst junk my way," said Alanna. "I've got a warehouse full of Pentium III machines barely capable of running Quake III Arena at a decent framerate. And many of those are still running Windows 98! Can you believe it? You might as well send these kids a Mac." Most of the useless hardware is destined for landfills, or shipped off to third-world countries, such as Haiti, Ivory Coast, or Australia. But there are still rumours of children out there playing on Pentium II's! These are ridiculous claims, as everyone knows those machines only worked with monochrome monitors, which are all but extinct. Alanna and others are doing all they can so that the poor children of middle-income families can enjoy the same rewarding gaming experiences that newer computers can offer. She's putting a plea out to the world to have a Pentium 4 in every home before Half Life 2 hits the shelves. "For
the love of God," said Alanna, tears welling up in her eyes. "Think
of the children."
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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