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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
THE COLD NORTH --The woolly mammoth may be long extinct, but the Northern Canadian Long-haired Elephant is thriving in his cold Canadian environment. An ancient survivor of the last ice age, this distant relative of the African and Asian elephant is a peaceful polar pachyderm, living comfortably underneath a shaggy fur exterior.
Hunted nearly to extinction a hundred years ago by Inuit game hunters, the woolly elephant is recovering in designated elephants sanctuaries in protected Northern Ice Parks. The species is doing well, although population counts are unreliable as no one really wants to go up there and count them--mostly because it's too frickin' cold. Massive and majestic, the long-haired elephant roams the Arctic in herds, much like the historic mammoths of early days. Many conservation officers in the deep south of the far north are unaware of the elephants' resemblance to their far-more-famous ice-age cousins. "I don't know nothing about no mammoths," said Barry McGuire, a wiry parks official from Yellowknife, N.W.T. "All we got up north is polar bears, grizzlie bears, and all those herds of wild furry elephants. It's funny watching them travel, because their trunks always stick to their neighbours' frozen butts." The long-haired elephant is similar in shape to the African and Asian elephants, although they are slightly smaller, and don't carry as much junk in the trunk. The tusks tend to be longer and stronger, though, necessary to break through the frozen tundra. Long-haired elephants use those hardened protrusions to probe the frozen ground for hidden peanuts, pistachios, or Cracker Jacks. Although commercial hunting of the woolly elephant is prohibited by Canadian law (when it can be enforced), indigenous peoples are allowed to kill them for ceremonial and religious reasons, as well as for food, but of course, all of the parts must be used. Bones are carved into tools, guts are woven and strung into snowshoes, and the ears are sewn together and filled with osprey feathers to make comfortable pillows. Their tales also made for excellent blackfly swatters. Poachers occasionally struggle into the northern climbs to acquire the vaunted ivory or sometimes the gall bladder (used in traditional Chinese medicines), but many freeze to death in the attempt. They'll give usually up the illegal hunts when they realize how expensive the gas is up there, or the ridiculous price of snowmobile rentals. Traditionally,
the Inuit used woolly elephants as pack beasts, pulling their sleighs
across the vast frozen lands. Today, their thick pelts (the elephants')
are still used for native blankets, their feet are carved into decorative
Inuit umbrella baskets, and their tusks as used as skis for ice sleds.
And until recently, the trunk of the long-haired elephant trunk was used
as hose for sump pumps or for indoor plumbing.
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