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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OTTAWA-- The Canadian government has already spent more than $320 million on the controversial staple gun registry, but not everyone is convinced that the binding legislation--intended to reduce the number of office, home, and construction-related stapler and staple gun injuries and deaths--is working. The government initiated the registry in 2002, requiring that every staple gun owner register their Swinglines, Boston's, and Bostitch's, as part of a control measure to make the country just a little bit safer. But last year, staple guns were responsible for over two million cuts, punctures, and pricks, almost half of the Canadian population! If it weren't for Canada's aggressive immigration policy, the country would have been decimated.
The intention of the registration process was to clamp down on the use of these dangerous fastening tools, but not everyone is on the same page. "This mandatory registration is pointless," said Darlene Omaruk, FedEx Kinko's employee. "Even if my stapler was registered, someone could still lift it off my desk and use it in a crime or practical joke. What's to stop them? And anyone off the street could walk into an Office Depot and purchase a box of standard #2 staples. That hardly makes me feel safer." With advancing stapling technology, extreme new stapling forces makes them a conceivable weapon. Some staple guns are spring-loaded, others are electric, and that makes them a potential tool for mischief. "People need to remember that staples are sharp," said Darlene, who has seen co-workers injured by the careless use of staplers in the workplace, like the time Eric Weinberg accidentally shot himself in the face wondering why his Arrow Fastener's Nail Master 2 Heavy Duty 1-1/4 In. Electric Brad Nail Gun had misfired when he was attempting to staple a 40-page technical manual for a customer. "They're projectiles, and they're dangerous. Someone could get a scratched cornea...or worse. And tetanus is a very real possibility, especially if the staples are rusty. Infection is almost a certainty." Government officials believe that with registration in place, staple gun users will act more responsibly, and will be less likely to nail their co-workers boots to a plywood floor, or shoot them in the ass with an high-powered, semi-automatic, jam-proof pneumatic staple gun. But some think a better direction would be to eliminate threatening high-powered staplers and power tackers altogether, reducing the risk of accidents or incidents of stapling tomfoolery. "Who could possibly need a customized forward action staple gun with the capability of firing 100 rounds of T25 round-crown galvanized staples per minute?" asked Maria Constenza, an advocate for the use of three-ring binders Duo-Tangs, and other safe hole-punch technology. "Well...aside from commercial building contractors, carpet layers...and possibly carpenters. Still, these seemingly harmless tools have the capability of puncturing skin!" The government is considering the implementation of a 3-day waiting period for all staple gun purchases. They're fairly confident that the public will then handle staple guns more responsibly, understanding that with a necessary cool-down period, there would be fewer impulsive stapling acts. One Swingline
spokesperson was quick to point out that: "Staple guns don't hurt
people...staples hurt people."
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| This fictional story about staple guns is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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