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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR GIRL SCOUT HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OUTSIDE THE MALL--They're more cunning than a pack of hungry wolves. They're craftier than the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. They're more vicious than the mutated dogs in Atomic Future III--Nuclear Pets Of Destruction. They're shrewder than...Shrewd Shirley O'Shrew, a professor of Shrewish Studies at Shrew University, and winner of last year's prestigious award for Shrewdest Shrew (in the field of Advanced Shrewery). I think you get the point.
They line up in front of malls, looking more threatening than a group of picketing Teamsters. They patrol the entrances to liquor stores like the border guards at a Chechnyan checkpoint. They arm themselves with smiles, bandanas, and boxes of double chocolate mint. None of these beret-wearing beauties stand much taller than four-feet-six, but they are more imposing than the corrupted militia of a war-torn authoritarian state. What makes these young female fundraising fanatics so effective? While the Girl Scout organization is allegedly part of a worldwide sisterhood that tries to develop the self-potential of young women, many believe that they might really be a mind-control cult, or the front for a more sinister organization, like the Mafia, the Colombians, or the Toastmasters. It wouldn't matter if we knew their true nefarious purpose, because we would still fall victim to their assertive, uncompromising cookie-selling campaigns. We suspect that these girls are receiving some sort of guerilla sales training, something that combines the intolerable exuberance of Tony Little with the rigid disciplines of a military special forces (such as the Navy Seals or maybe the Old Navy Seals). The result: an overwhelming and overpowering sales force that has the ability to empty your pockets faster than a sexy Salvation Army Santa's Helper wearing strategically-placed silver bells and a red thong bikini with a little smiling snowman on the front. But the Girl Scouts are more guileful--and the cookies are just the hook. While many strategies have been drawn up by shoppers to break their lines or flank their retail positions, there is no known defense to these adorable marketing tactics. These girls dig in deeper than the American soldiers did at Bastogne. Your willingness to support their organization is a weakness that will be exploited. When that doesn't work, Girl Scouts will turn to their quasi-psychological-military training: the guilt-inducing pleas, the doe eyes, and the pouty lips. And then there's always the cookies... There isn't
much anyone can do. These strategies are unmerciful, and you'd be better
off handing over the five bucks than fighting against this dangerous foe.
You know, had the Girl Scouts been involved in historic conflicts, the
courses of battles could've been changed had those military leaders only
realized the potential power of a dour look from a disappointed child.
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| This fictional story about Girl Scout cookies is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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