The revered status gives the beaver the freedom to do pretty much anything he likes without fear of reprisal, threat, or scorn. To most citizens, doing anything to such a venerated animal is unthinkable--as it would certainly bring the wrath of the Canadian Gods upon their unfortunate heads, along with certain punitive measures from public authorities.

But with diminishing natural environments for the cute, buck-toothed animals to flourish, the holy beaver is forced to mingle with populated human areas, which is making life complicated for everyone, especially since the beaver is treated as a higher lifeform.

"The problems start when the beavers build their dams in our water supply," says Skip Tracer, a member of the Sacred Animal Relocation division of Parks Canada. "And they're constantly chewing on the birch trees in our public parks, and building lodges across busy streets. They gnaw on telephone poles, chew through power lines, and leave mud tracks and beaver poop everywhere they go. There isn't a single street in town that isn't covered with sawdust!"

Skip says that "it's blasphemous, unethical, and illegal to harm a beaver," so Parks officials try to gently relocate them without causing offense. But Skip thinks there could be more prudent solutions to the beaver "infestation" as he calls it.

"When the beaver finds he can get easy food in urban areas there's just no stopping him," continued Skip. "He scours the dumpsters behind restaurants, chews through wooden Canadian garbage cans, and gets handouts from ignorant tourists. Of course everyone means well, and they're a sacred animal, but feeding them just encourages them to beg, or demand for more. Everyone wants to be favoured upon when Judgement Day arrives."

Health department officials admit that there is a potential problem. A similar problem arose when the Canadian Geese population exploded in the mid 1990's. Geese were shitting all over the public beaches, creating health and safety hazards, not to mention an unsightly mess. One day the government decided that having a Canadian Goose for Xmas was not disrespectful to the country or to the geese. Patriotic Canadians everywhere were able to "thin the herd (flock) somewhat" by honouring them with gravy, mashed potatoes, and stuffing every year.

Skip suggested with a wink that perhaps a dinner of roast beaver could solve several problems, and it would celebrate the creature, and not dishonour him.

Archived Stories

• City Of Darwin Sinks Through Natural Selection