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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
With the introduction of the MP3 player, it has made those old "boom box" stereos obsolete--unless they've already been destroyed by awful Duran Duran tapes. But even obsolete technology can be used to create new technology. Let's re-use those busted "ghetto blasters" and turn them into a swishy portable DVD player! The Science: Portable DVD players are basically just high-tech record players. Forgiving the compact size, and the shiny smaller disks, they're really not that different from the antique turntable on your parents' entertainment console. And you know, DVDs have just one groove, the same as those old vinyl records--just like the ones we used to make that solar collector last year. What You'll Need: For this project you'll need to find several old portable stereos that you can salvage for parts. Make sure at least one of them has a CD player, and a cassette tape player as well. Maybe you can sneak into your sister's closet when she's out kissing boys. These devices don't need to function for this project, so just pick one with the styling you like. It doesn't really matter. An old Fisher Price "sing-along" tape player will suffice, or even your mother's old waffle iron--if you like that retro look. Your imagination is your only limit. In addition, you'll need a used CD player, some old LCD monitors (dad probably has a stack in his computer room), a few small lengths of wire, some epoxy, and a roll of duct tape. Putting It All Together: Let's start by adjusting a CD player to read DVDs. DVDs use much the same technology as CDs: a layer of aluminum holds a string of bumps that are read by a laser. The difference is the DVD laser is much finer, because the bumps on the DVD disc are that much smaller. Salvage the laser's lens from one of your "parts-only" CD players and attach it to your soon-to-be DVD player. You want to build it up so it will resemble a microsope. Use epoxy or small bits of duct tape to create a fixed focal length that will allow the laser to really focus down on those itty bitty bumps. Once you've got a finer laser you'll also need to adjust the firmware to make sense of the DVD encoding. While you're at it you may want to add support for DIVX, MP3 and MPG files too. Remember not to remove the chip while you're flashing the upgrade. That was the easy part. Now, what about the screen? Gather all the LCD displays from your parts pile. Put as many as you can inside a plastic bag (I recommend a ZipLoc bag for it's sealing abilities). Now hit the bag gently with a rubber mallet or ball peen hammer to split the LCDs into smaller and smaller elements. Stop when you reach between 72 and 96 pixels per inch. Don't hit too hard or you'll be rivaling high-definition TV--and that'll suck up your battery's power before you know it! Now, wire the higher-resolution LCD displays together and fit your new screen into the front of your boom-box where the cassette player used to be. For colour, create three layers of LCDs, each with a different get in front: red, green, or blue. You're all set: a portable DVD player using scraps of old material found lying around every household, with support for as many file formats as you care to program in. Add on a dock for your iPod and you'll be the techno-genius hit of any party!
DISCLAIMER: Kent's column is intended for amusement purposes only. Never look directly at a laser with your remaining eye, never sell that second kidney, and never attach battery cables to anything protruding from your own body..
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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Kent Fukuzura, Making Science Simple
