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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CANADIAN CURRENCY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
IN YOUR WALLET-- If you've handled paper money in the past few months, you've probably come into possession of a newly-styled ten, twenty, fifty, or hundred dollar bill. These new paper bills looks professional, but do you still have suspicions about their authenticity? Complex detection measures have been introduced to make it easier to spot counterfeit Canadian money, but millions of dollars in fake currency is still making its way into regular circulation. Despite the best attempts by the National Treasury to deter fraud, phony money is still getting into wallets, purses, and cash registers.
Counterfeiting is a serious crime in Canada, punishable by death on the first conviction, and even worse for repeat offenses. However, these mortal deterrents have not proven to be effective, as exampled by the growing reports of fraudulent activity, and the increasing number of businesses refusing to accept larger bills. But some credit must be given to the talented criminals who are printing counterfeit Canadian money. The skill and technology used to replicate the illegal tender is impressive. At a glance, imitation tens, twenties, and fifties are practically indistinguishable from their legitimate counterparts. High-tech computers, scanners, and printers, along with special inks and treated papers combine to create bogus bills that are almost identical to the originals. Watermarks, holograms, and metallic stripes are all clever mechanisms to help deter counterfeiting, but those protections are useless when the general public can't tell one bill from another. And even some experts have admitted to being fooled, but then many of them were unaware that Bruce Willis' character in The Sixth Sense was dead. The world is laughing at Canada. Not because of the counterfeit problem, or the funny accents, but because all of our money looks phony. Just look at all the silly Monopoly-esque colours. Canada should look to the United States for guidance, and use a nice solid green for all their paper currency. Who's going to mess with that foolproof system?
To help combat the growing risk to the integrity of the Canadian economy, counterfeit detection training has been given to all bank staff and currency dealers, and additional education has been offered to thousands of money-handling retailers. But even with these efforts, there is no amount of counterfeit detection training that can protect against idiocy. What else can be done? Move to a cashless economy, using only debit and credit cards? Revert to a barter system that utilizes the trade of fur pelts, rifles, and whiskey? "Let's just make 'em all coins," said currency advocate, Bill Dollard as a solution to fight the counterfeit problem. "Coins are too difficult to reproduce. It's too costly to be profitable, and it's too much of a hassle for the counterfeiters to bother." "And they'll last forever," said Bill, who happens to own a chain of dollar stores, and sells rare porcelain piggy banks on eBay. "Yes, with more change in your pockets there's a greater risk of your pants falling down to your ankles, but that's why God invented the belt...and suspenders too I suppose." Bill's idea is sound, and carries more weight than a concrete jar full of lead nickels. Minted coins have an average circulation life of four hundred years, while printed money usually lasts no more than a week or two, and only marginally longer when laminated. Whatever the solution, funny money is a serious problem, and the joke is on the sucker holding the bogus buck. Bill, who is hopeful that the Canadian Mint will ultimately make the right decisions about deterring, detecting and preventing the counterfeiting of Canadian currency, is also in favour of eliminating pennies, introducing a 99-cent gold piece honouring Wayne Gretzky, and putting William Shatner's face on the new five dollar coin.
Archived Stories - Canadiana - The Canadian Coinspiracy - Coupon Forgery Ring Clipped - Canadian Tire Dollar Reaches Record Low
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| This fictional story about counterfeit Canadian money is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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