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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA-- Canadians will be able to sleep better tonight, knowing that the four billion dollar tetron missile defense shield is now operational. The new system, capable of deflecting ballistic missiles, was quietly deployed over the weekend, while the world was busy watching the new Survivor series.
The hydro-powered energy shield is capable of resisting airborn missile attacks from the Russians, Chinese, Americans, and other rogue nations such as the North Koreans, and quite possibly the Samoans. Enemy projectiles will simply be absorbed by the shield system, or will bounce off and land in neighbouring American border states. When the military project was finally revealed, it suddenly became clear to the world why Canada refused to join the United States in its efforts to build a missile defense shield. As it turns out, Ottawa deliberately lied to the Americans, stating that it would not join their contentious ballistic missile shield program because of cattle restrictions, timber issues, and a hefty cheese tariff. Others thought Canada refused to step under the American missile shield umbrella, because they didn't wish to be beholden to the Americans, or be holdin' there hands went things went bad. Canada is hardly considered a military threat, and usually stays under the radar. But a military association with the United States could have changed the world's perception about Canada and damaged international policies.l Where did the money for this project come from? Since Canada would not approve any additional funding for a viable military force, the accumulated monies from lottery taxes, hunting permits, user fees, and government hockey fund-raisers were used to develop and build the series of national defense installations, capable to protecting the country from enemy air assaults. Canadian scientists, who normally used their modest resources to calculate complex hockey pool data, took advantage of the free time to develop the energy shield in their spare time. They also claim to have invented fuel-efficient missiles that run on canola oil. The Canadian Prime Minister has often been criticized for his policies concerning war and the military, but this missile shield is a move that should please his constituents. However, the move could harm the already thorny relations with Washington and lead to a potential arms race. The new missile shield is already getting feedback as being a sound investment in Canada's new national security strategy. But what if an enemy force simply decided to invade Canada? "Ummm...we're not really prepared for that contingency," said the Canadian Minister of Defense.
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| This fictional story about missile defense shields is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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