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Paul Chippens, The New Yankee Redneck

One of the many damned inconveniences of our messed-up modern world is when our up-to-the-minute technology buggers up your bathroom.

Take toilets for instance. Toilets are a great invention, and no home should be without one. But a toilet can be a real hassle to fix, especially within the confines of a tiny trailer.

However, fixin' the poop hole ain't rocket science. With a little elbow grease, and some easy-to-find parts around the yard, you can keep the old "water-closet" running clean and looking as regal as the royal throne--and that'll keep the ol' lady off your back.

This week we'll look at plugged-up toilets.

What happens when you've just left a large deposit in the porcelain bank and when you flush the water just keeps rising? You're in deep shit is what.

What options do you have when that toilet keeps backing up and no amount of plunging will keep the shit down? Well, in the old days you could just seal off the bathroom and borrow your neighbour's john. But you're married now, and that ain't gonna cut it--for long.

The trick is to cut through whatever's plugging the crapper. But how?

Well you could borrow a toilet auger from someone, but that means admitting that your toilet is plugged up. A toilet auger is basically a stiff wire that you jam down the hole and twist around until your shit hole comes clean. What if it's really, really plugged?

You could create your own automatic auger with a weed-eater, a length of garden hose, and a fist-full of nails. It's not that difficult. Splay one end of the hose into four and screw the ends onto the base of the weed-eater, so when you turn on the weed-eater the hose will twist around. On the other end, force your nails (I used common 10d nails I saved from the last pallet I took apart) through the hose so they all stick out at different angles.

Now, shove the business end of the hose down the toilet, and around the bend, till it don't move no more. Then turn on the weed eater. Damned if that ain't gonna cut through whatever's plugging up Mr. Crapper! You may want to wear your rubber boots and rainjacket for this one. Soon your toilet will be as clean as a whistle. Now the king can return to his throne. That's it!

Next time we'll look at how to make an emergency chemical toilet using a five gallon water jug and some unsweetened Kool-Aid mix.