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Is That A Lightsaber In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me

TATTOOINE-- Randy Starjumper is a Jedi Knight, a member of the noble order or protectors unified by a belief and observance of The Force. Jedi candidates must train long and hard to earn their titles. It takes years of instruction, a deep commitment to order and structure, and a strong, disciplined mind. Most often, Jedi candidates are detected at an early age, and recruited into the order to begin their training.

Randy, however, is an exception, gaining his Jedi rank because his father contributed large sums of money to restoring the Jedi Temple.

While most apprentices strive to become the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, Randy had other motives for progressing through the ancient Jedi order.

Randy likes to tell the girls that he's hung like a Taun Taun.

"I did it to meet chicks," he admitted. "Come on...who can resist a man in a uniform? Even if that uniform looks more like a bathrobe."

While Randy's motives don't necessarily put him on the path to the dark side, his intentions were not exactly pure.

"I haven't abandoned the precepts of knowledge and defense," said Randy of the basic tenets of the Jedi. "I just think that I should explore my desires for lust and passion. Being horny doesn't make me a Sith."

Randy, who denies the accusations that he cheated on his Jedi final exams, has been spending most of his time in Mos Eisley, mostly blowing his paychecks on cute alien females at the Cantina. Randy admits that his Jedi status compliments his natural endowment and lends to his dark and mysterious nature, which helps him succeed with the ladies.

"Hah!" replied Kitty Spicetrader, a former girlfriend. "The only dark secret that Randy is hiding, is the gym socks he stuffs down the front of his Jedi robe."

"Hey, it's not the size of your lightsaber that's important," replied Randy. "It's how well you can become one with the Force. One Jedi night with me, and you'll be a believer."

"Randy's kidding himself," said Kitty, who prefers Stormtroopers. "Randy's 'saber' is only good for about a milli-parsec, before it powers down. I'd rather French kiss a Hutt than waste another evening with Randy."

Unfortunately, Randy has been gaining a bit of reputation with the regulars, and his Jedi status isn't helping him. It was even rumoured that he was using his mind tricks to lure women to his bed, but apparently was only able to get the really drunk ones to bow to his "will".

"If he tries to 'Force' himself on me again," said Rebecca Lightwielder, "I'm going to go Imperial on his ass. I'll shove that lightsaber so far up his ass, he'll need a team of Jawas to go in and salvage it."

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