Pornographic Movies Help Soothe Flight Delays

New pornographic display terminals help passengers to pass time while flights are delayed.

The Department of Aviation recently authorized pornographic video screens to be installed alongside the flight information display systems. It is hoped that these new terminals will decrease the likelihood of stress when travelers' flights are inevitably delayed.

"We believe the new screens will significantly reduce tension for the millions of passengers we inconvenience every year," said senior airport planner Angus Fenton. "Watching porn will help pass the time quicker, and it will increase blood flow in weary travelers. People will hardly notice how much time they spent waiting for their scheduled flights."

The innovative plan calls for 84 screens to be installed throughout the airport's multiple terminals. The state of Illinois plans to subsidize the program with a new entertainment tax, and the airport age restriction will be raised to 21 to prevent minors from viewing the adult material.

Pornographic movies will be broadcast 24 hours a day on a closed private network, and will be available in several languages of love.

However, not everyone is pleased with the new video station idea.

Escorts working at hotels near the airport believe this will discourage business. "Why rent the cow, when you can watch for free?" asked Loquitia, 28, an escort who works the airport scene. "This could definitely be a distraction."

But "frequent flyer" Mark Abstetio, 39, is delighted with the new program.

"Waiting for flights can be really frustrating," said Mark. "But now, with these porn terminals, I'll be able to pass the time watching men and women having sex. And before I know it, my plane will have arrived."

Other airports will be watching the program with interest. In London, a similar program is being tested at Heathrow Airport, where people can watch logs burn in a fireplace.