Riverdale's Redheaded Rogue Is Driving More Than A Jalopy

Betty and Veronica were always fighting over the rights to Archie's enormous cock.

Reggie, Archie's competitor in love, seemed to have the advantage in the war to win the affections of Betty and Veronica. Reggie had the flashy car, he wore stylish clothes, and he always had plenty to cash to spend on the ladies. Aside from being arrogant, and a bit of a prick, Reggie seemed to be the guy who had the most to offer.

You can forget about the hamburger-obsessed Jughead, because he was probably gay (how many straight people do you know that wear a vest and a crown?), and Dilton, the science nerd, spent too much time in the lab to even notice women.

Even the aptly named Moose, the pea-brained, short-tempered jock, appeared to have a better chance at scoring than Archie, although he was already hooked-up with the more attractive (I say) Midge.

As I sifted through digest after double digest of archived Archie comics, wondering why women were attracted to this homely, teenage underdog, I suddenly realized: Archie must have a huge cock. There's no other explanation.

As you can see, Archie is quite proud of his package.

While Archie was as poor as a pauper, and could barely scrape up enough cash for a hamburger and a malt, he probably had enough meat in his pants to satisfy both the rich bitch and the good girl. And the reason he drove that jalopy is probably because it had enough bounce in the back seat to drive the girls wild.

That's why Archie never chose between those two--he didn't need to! He was packing enough timber in his tight-fitting trousers to make Miss Grundy swoon. No wonder she always "had him" in for detention.

Yes, I'm certain now that Archie was endowed with a sizeable penis, probably the envy of the entire town. This tremendous cock would more than make up for his other shortcomings, and explained why Veronica's father, Mr. Lodge, didn't want this loafing loser around. He probably caught Archie using his large love muscle, banging his daughter in the family pool.

You know, if I was the one publishing these comic books, I'd write a story or two about Betty and Veronica getting it on. I'm sure we've all thought about it before. Hell, with the right accessories, they wouldn't even need Archie! If this comic book ever made it to press, they'd have to put it on the top shelf, wrapped in plastic and tucked behind Playboy and Penthouse, because I don't think the kids would understand. But why not produce an adult edition? They already had that Christian version of Archie that messed with our heads.

It makes sense that Archie was gifted where it counted, because they way the comics were drawn, it seemed the rest of the guys had long pointy noses--made to look like long thin penises. It's kind of funny really, because Mr. Weatherbee, the portly principal, could have used his peculiar penis-shaped nose to satisfy the female teachers (or Miss Beazley) any time he wanted.