Beer Nuts Will Get You Plantered

Beer nuts are a marvelous food. High in protein, loaded with fat, and potent with alcohol, there's no surprise as to why these tasty nuts top the list for snacking Canadians, ahead of cheese doodles, bacon rinds, and beaver jerky.

When parents go out, teenagers will sit around playing silly beer-nut-eating (drinking) games, popping beer nuts to Monty Python skits or crazy card games. The younger ones always get Plantered. The teens always try to replace the beer nuts they eat with filberts or almonds, but the parents always know. The salt on their lips is always a dead giveaway.

When I was eleven, my father let me try my first beer nut. I had been drinking dad's beer out of Dixie cups since I was eight, so I figured I could handle it. But nothing could prepare me for its robust, full-bodied flavour and intoxicating properties. I was asleep faster than my sister during a Sunday morning sermon.

Legally, you must be eighteen to purchase beer nuts from a liquor store, mixer shack, or peanut roastery. But many vendors will sell them (shelled and unshelled) to underage snackers with Photoshopped ID or a grocery list from a parent. And then there are the beer nut bootleggers who buy the nuts in bulk, portion them off, and sell them in little baggies to eager buyers.

In the park, you'll see old men sitting on benches eating beer nuts out of plain brown paper bags, empty nutshells spread about, and the occasional squirrel or chipmunk passed out on the grass.

I almost lost my job at the factory for eating beer-nut butter sandwiches on the job, but I told my boss it was de-alcoholized. That stuff was so sticky I usually needed a couple of beers to wash it down.

Randy has a problem. He can't eat just one or two packets of beer nuts in a sitting. He doesn't know his limit--eating them until he passes out while watching online dating infomercials.