Canadian Beer Drinkers Are Already Foaming At The Mouth

Beer vending machines will make it easier to buy beer day, night, and early Sunday morning.

CALGARY, ALBERTA--Unlike the neighbours to the South, Canadians have always had a hard time buying beer from local retail outlets. Because of tougher liquor laws, Canadians have been unable to purchase alcohol after 11pm, on Sundays before 8am, or after the 2nd period intermission of a hockey game.

But with the introduction of beer vending machines, magical refreshment dispensing machines that will stock, cool, and deliver refreshing beer, that limitation may be gone faster than a keg of Moosehead at a Canadian kid's birthday party.

Canada's ridiculous liquor restrictions were introduced back in 1972. At the time, it wasn't fair that most of the population would be out drinking, while the rest, the unfortunate retail workers, were forced to stay behind and watch the cash register. Buying beer in front of another working Canadian was an affront, a cruel and unusual punishment that was deemed wicked and unconstitutional, especially if the retail manager wouldn't allow the cashier to drink at the till.

The original liquor laws were passed more for the sake of the retailer, and not intended to inconvenience the average party-going Canadian who, tragically, ran short of suds on a Saturday night.

These wondrous beer vending machines should provide a beer purchasing solution that won't offend working Canadians, and will provide better access to beer, which is any Canadian's God-given right. Ideally, vendors will want to place these machines in front of hockey arenas, malls, churches, high schools, and other prominent locations.

The installation of these suds-dispensing miracle machines should be seamless and transparent for conscious Canadian consumers of canned Kokanees. Fortunately, most beer cans are the exact size of a pop (soda) can, so there are no modifications necessary for the vending machines to be able to serve cold, frosty, delicious beer to thirsty Canadians who need a cold one before work. All you need is power (difficult perhaps in the prairie provinces) and a few extra coins.

Unfortunately, with new beer delivery technology comes new revenues for local governments. Beer vending machines could cause the price of a cold can of Molson Canadian to inflate to $2.50 with the inclusion of a vending machine flat tax--a tax that will be in place to ensure that beer doesn't go flat.

Yes, there is a potential for alcohol abuse. But the vending machines will be designed to only accept special tokens, making it more difficult for underage Canadian drinkers (under 14 years) to purchase alcohol. To ensure that minors do not take advantage of the machines, one will need to provide at least one piece of identification, (driver's licence, birth certificate, curling membership card) to purchase the necessary tokens at registered outlets, licenced locations, or from unsupervised token-dispensing machines.

There are also plans in the works for vending machines that will sell ciders, wine coolers, and other prissy drinks.