When Cold Beer Just Isn't Cold Enough

This British Columbia liquor store has taken a bold initiative and moved into the "very" cold beer and wine business.

Private liquor stores must come up with refreshing innovations in order to remain competitive in the dog-drink-dog world of retail liquid refreshment (that's alcohol.)

"Just selling 'cold' beer isn't going to cut it anymore," said Fred Duffle, owner of the South Surrey Tavern, a popular watering hole...that also happens to offer alcohol as well as water.

"We're going that extra couple of degrees and selling very cold beer and wine," he added. "We believe the beer consumer is going to become excited by the extra refreshing coolness they can only get from our chain of [very cold beer and wine] stores."

Fred Duffle won't say exactly how much colder his beer and wine will be, citing threats of corporate espionage, but spouted off that he has draughted up some plans for expansion, and is foaming at the mouth over potential new revenue streams.

"It's a frosty fact that Canadians like their beer very cold," said Duffle. "We'll settle for cold, but colder is better. Very cold is best. When your beer is at that delicately-delicious point where it's almost beginning to freeze, that's what the people will pay for. Remember ice-beer? Do you know why that idea melted away? It didn't have any ice, which is just false advertising, but really, it just wasn't cold enough!"

Fred's logic makes more sense than a lite-beer drinking helmet.

"Why would someone settle for cold beer, when they could have very cold beer?" added Duffle, not wanting to keep his feelings bottled up. "Pitcher this: you and your buddies are looking for a case of beer. You don't have time to cool down the warm sludge they sell in the government-controlled liquor store, because the hockey game is starting in five minutes. Why waste your time on mere 'cool' or 'slightly chilled' beer, when by going that extra kilometre you can get beer that's not just cold, but very cold?! Are you starting to get the point? This is the advantage that will give my stores the refreshing edge."

Fred Duffle isn't the only cold beer and wine store trying the new colder angle. Rajinder Singh, owner of the "Really" Cold Beer and Wine Store, promises wine coolers that really are cooler.

"These beverages will be selling faster than bottled water after a natural disaster," promised Singh. "And if the customer wants something that is really, really, cold they know that I have my extra special 'private reserve' refrigerator where I keep beer, wine and other refreshments much colder than other establishments I will not be naming at this time."

What's "on tap" for the future? The ale-ing sales of recent years promise to be recarbonated by new regulations allowing greater competition among these much colder beer and wine stores. This will cap-off the province's liquor reforms, and restore an industry that may have gone flat.

Despite the changes, sales to minors must still be accompanied by a note from an adult or guardian, promising that the child won't get hopped-up at school.