Those Beer Commercial People Are Always Having So Much Fun!

In the beer commercials, wild things happen all the time.

Why can't my life be like a beer commercial? Why don't my friends suddenly ignite into party-mode, spontaneously erupting into an explosion of fun? A chaotic turmoil of partyness, where the hair is always perfect, and the beer labels always face the right direction?

In the beer commercials, the women are all drop-dead beautiful and the men have chiseled physiques, except for that one fat friend who's as jovial as a hard-drinking Santa Claus at a frat party. Everyone loves a fat guy.

In the beer commercials, the barbecques last until dawn, and someone always jumps into the pool fully dressed. That always causes a great splash--in the water and around the mood of the party. The pranks are clever, and no one ever gets hurt, even when they're told to "never try this at home."

Oh how magical it all appears in the beer commercials. The slow-motion camera pans across the living room, where the witty, care-free friends always have smiles on their faces. There's never a care in the world in a beer commercial, because no one will ever spill on the carpet, and the cops won't show up unless they're there to party.

In the beer commercials, no one ever gets drunk, nobody ever throws up, and there's never any hangovers. No one ever fights over the beer, because there is always plenty, and everyone drinks the same brand! In the beer commercials it just works out that way.

In the beer commercials, the guys are always dressed for the cover of GQ, and they dance (in perfect rhythm) to the hottest Rock & Roll hits--which are usually performed by the band itself. How lucky they were to be able to hire them for that beer commerical party.

The girls never say "no" in the beer commercials. They're all twenty-one, and their tight-fitting tank tops are always close to bursting. The guys are never too shy to approach the girls, and why should they? They're all single and the concept of rejection just doesn't exist.

Oh, just once I'd like to find one of these elusive parties. I must not be part of the right crowd. I don't know what else it could be, because according to the commercials, I know I'm drinking the right beer.