And You Thought Garden Gnomes Were Sweet

The Garden Gnome waits patiently for young Timmy to lose his guard.

"I hope that Timmy wanders by the garden by Friday, because I want to have him back in the woods by then," said the Garden Gnome. "I'm just waiting for him to let his guard down so that I can kidnap him."

The Garden Gnome has been kidnapping young boys for several years now, and says he has adapted a passive approach in his kidnapping.

"I tend to just wait around the gardens mostly. Sometimes it'll be a rockery, a hedge, or occasionally near the edge of a sidewalk. Then, when the time's right, I snatch 'em up and take 'em back into the forest."

The Garden Gnome declined to answer, when asked about what he does with the kidnapped boys, but suggested that kidnapping was a noble profession and that his family had been kidnapping boys for generations.

"My father was a kidnapper of boys, and so was his father," said the Garden Gnome. "But my great grandfather guarded treasure. But I think his father kidnapped boys."

Garden Gnomes have generally been thought to be gentle and nurturing, but many unsuspecting boys have learned otherwise.

"I've had pretty good success regarding the kidnapping of the boys," said the Garden Gnome. "There was that one time though, when I was distracted by someone trying to cut down a tree. When I looked back, my intended kidnapping victim, a young boy, was running back to his parents."

The Garden Gnome intends to celebrate the kidnapping with a large mug of fermented raspberries, and maybe a taut of spiced gin.

"And then it's back to work, kidnapping," he added.