The world is in love with bacon, but not just for eating anymore.
These bacon bandages (or bacon bandaids) can patch your lean cuts.
Let me just make a qualifying, food-promoting statement: I love bacon. I love it with my pancakes; I love it in toasted sandwiches, and I love it on cheeseburgers. Hell, if you wrap it around a steak, I’ll love that too.
But that’s as far as the love goes–the actually ingestion and digestion of bacon. Loving it as a food, and for the eating therein and thereof.
Let me clarify for those are already starting to sizzle at my bacon barking: I don’t want to wear a bacon suit; I don’t want to own a bacon lamp; and I don’t need the designs for a bacon-style gingerbread house (made out of different types of bacon).
I prefer my bacon on a plate, next to some scrambled eggs and some crispy hash browns–not fashioned into a meaty necklace, a military vest, or a set of comfortable loafers.
Does the world have an unhealthy, high-cholesterol obsession with using bacon for every other purpose than for which it was intended?
I don’t mean any offense for the bacon fashion enthusiasts and other pork-product entrepreneurs who have designed bacon t-shirts, bikinis, and short-skirt dresses. I think they’re innovative, if entirely unnecessary and inappropriate.
Bacon and eggs go together like...this waving guy and his waving female friend. Hi (*waves back*).
I get it if it’s all in fun, but I see entire websites dedicated to baconwear, as if to acknowledge that bacon has its own legitimate genre of fashion. It’s like an entire chic industry has been completely legitimized by simply adding the “wear” to the end of the word “bacon”.
A bacon and egg Halloween costume I’d be willing to accept; in fact it exists (of course it does), and it seems that couples are very enthusiastic about wearing them (no need to ask them what they want for breakfast). But I draw the line at bacon-flavoured dental floss and bacon-flavoured toothpaste (unless it’s for your stubborn dog). Isn’t the idea of toothpaste to eliminate food tastes (like, I dunno, bacon?).
I understand that the bacon growers of America would be really stoked about viral campaigns that promote the purchase of bacon, lots of bacon. But if the bacon producers are hiring marketing agents who are flooding the consumer world with bacon-related apparel and gadgets, I think they’ve separated the fat from the griddle (that sounds close enough to a bacon reference, right?).
What would you keep inside a bacon briefcase?
I’m just concerned that too much of this bacon mania will carry over to our kids, who will just accept that the previous generation used bacon for everything from wallpaper to car mats.
“Don’t worry guys, I’m completely protected with this bacon bike helmet.”
“Hey Bob, I really liked the way you tiled your driveway…is that back bacon?”
Again, I want to make it perfectly clear that I’m not anti-bacon; I’m very pro-bacon when it comes to my BLT’s. In fact I always insist on bacon, else I end up with just an LT. And that’s when I know it’s missing something. I love bacon to bits, and bits of bacon in my salad, but I don’t need to store my bits on a bacon USB drive.
But you see, we must be more aware of how we’re using our farmed meats in applications in which they weren’t intended; lest some future generation forgets what the real purpose of bacon was for…to clog our arteries and raise our cholesterol so that our spouses can warn us to cut back. Mmmm…I think I smell something cooking in the kitchen…no wait, nevermind…my wife just came back from jogging, and that’s just the smell of her bacon headband.
This brief opinion about bacon and its corrupted purposes, is brought to you by the still-living writing staff of The Toque, Canada’s leader among meat-loving (as in eating) Canadian humorists.
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