Slimy Monster Numbers Are Starting To Decay

Swamp Things, like this poor creature pictured, are now listed on the endangered species list.

Swamp Things belong to a bizarre, plant-based species that is endowed with human consciousness. Believed to have been created after a freak accident involving a "bio-restorative" formula in the mid-1970s, Swamp Things are part plant, part human. They may be monsters, but they're still part of the eco-system.

Although the numbers haven't been confirmed, it was believed that the species was decimated--reduced to only one survivor by the early 1990s. But more were discovered in 1998 in a remote Louisiana bayou during a high school canoe trip and possum hunt, giving hope to the future of this slimy swamp dweller.

The discovery of the additional creatures helped officials to believe that the species could be saved from extinction--or at least decomposition.

Unfortunately little is known about the Swamp Thing. Efforts to help it survive are hampered by ignorance and fear, likely caused by entertainment media misrepresentation.

Illegal dumping in the Swamp Thing's habitat is further decreasing the creature's population. Sewage, chemical waste, supernatural menaces, and other contaminants are contributing to the demise of one of North America's most treasured monsters.

Conservationists are trying to protect the Swamp Things from total extinction. They are recommending that angry mobs be disbanded, that evil scientific experiments be curtailed, and that the state imposes a complete ban on composting and leaf burning. Many Swamp Things are killed when they are mistaken for humus or other rotting plant matter and then used to fertilize lawns.

The government's intentions are well-meant, but not everyone is trying to save the creatures.

"Sure, they look good on TV," said Wilmer Edgarson, a catfisherman who lives alone in a rustic shack, with only a rotting dinghy for transportation. "But there's more to them than that. They ain't just cute green plant people. Swamp Things is always wandering into inhabited areas and stealing our virgins. I've lost several daughters to them...and my half-cousin Jeb."

The addition of the Swamp Thing brings the list of endangered monsters to seven, including the Black Lagoon Creatures, the Spotted Banshee, and of course, the Decaying Bog Zombie.

Officials at the American Wildlife Service had wanted to get the resolution passed sooner, but were "mired" in paperwork. But now that they are on the endangered species list, the agency hopes the species will eventually make a comeback so the world will once again fear the wrath of...The Swamp Thing!