With Friends Like This Who Can Afford Enemies?

The rising cost of friendship affects even casual relationships.

The federal government is raising the national rates on the Buddy System in September as part of an overall strategy to keep price of friendship increases down. The NBS, currently at two coffees or one beer, is expected to rise to a lunch, or $20.

Some of the biggest changes will be in physical labour charges. Moving is expected to cost more than just beer and pizza, and asking for help building a fence will soon set you back at least a bottle of Alberta whiskey.

Gwen Grippen, friendship critic for the opposition in the House of Commons, blames federally-imposed friendship taxes.

"Only three years ago the friendship rate was a hug and a vague promise," said Gwen. "Now, thanks to increases in friendship taxes, real Canadians are forced to ask for real favours. When will it end?"

"I will probably be forced to downgrade some of my friends to acquaintance status," said Dorothy Brittle, an insurance adjuster. "Some of my fringe relationships will have to be prioritized. We'll have to see how the Christmas card process goes this year."

Friendship subsidies, cut in recent years, will probably be cut even further. The lazy layabout friend who always needs to borrow your truck, or needs to crash on your couch for a few days because his girlfriend is "pms'ing" will become a thing of the past. Premiums will also rise for friends of spouses or family. At one time considered an essential part of good etiquette, free rides for all but non-core friends are over. Expect that favour you need from your sister's boyfriend to cost you a spindle of CDs, if not more.

"It's never been truer when they say you get to choose your friends," Said Dorothy. "And now I'll be even more selective... my money's got to last--just to make my friendships last!"

Some people are already looking at alternatives. Some long-term friends are considering pre-payment plans, with special discounts for acquaintances with good records. Proper record-keeping will become more important, especially in hard-to-define areas, such as friends who you only know through other friends. Accountants are expected to benefit as invoices for services become formalized.

Also on the books are insurance plans against break-ups, betrayals, and misunderstandings. With so much more at stake it only makes sense to insure against situations where friendships can end early.

And others are even re-examining the whole idea of friendship.

"I'm going to be moving to a friend-lease program in August," said Alex Porter. "I just can't afford to buy my friends any more. Sure, it's a little shallower, and I wouldn't trust any of them with my life or even my wallet, but at the end of the lease I can just walk away and get a new one."