Canadian coins are secretly working their way into the American currency system.

"Non-cents," said Bill Changer, Canada's minister of finance. "Canadian coins, although very similar in size and shape to United States coins, made from the same metals, and minted in the same denominations, are quite distinct from their American counterparts. It's not even feasible to think that one currency can compare to the other. They're very distinct. It makes no cents at all. None."

Is there a "coinspiracy"? Are the Canadians trying to cut the change-purses from the Yankees?

Americans appear to be worried that their otherwise passive neighbours to the North are secretly trying to disrupt economic stability, by "nickeling and diming" the monetary system. The Canadian dollar, worth about eighty-five cents U.S., could conceivably do more damage to the American economy  than an Iraqi banker with a bagful of counterfeit drachmas.  It may be that Canada is trying to gain an advantage in U.S. currency markets by assimilating their funny money into the American system.

The U.S. Treasury Department is advising citizens to be wary of Canadian attempts to infuse their "Canucklehead coins" and "illegal tender" into circulation.

"The easiest way to identify Canadian 'moose' money is by the absence of any American presidents embossed onto the coins," said Bill Dollard, a department spokesperson. "We believe that Canadians use mythical creatures like lemmings, basilisks, and reindeer on one side of their coins, and portraits of Canadian female curling stars on the other."

But it may already be too late to stop the infiltration. Canadian money has been a natural part of economic trade between the two countries for countless years--ten at least. American casinos encourage Canadians to spend their own money at equal value, as long as they're gambling, border towns rely on Canadians to buy their cheese and gas, and international trade with Canada has always been based on cash because Canadians have such poor credit ratings. It would be nearly impossible to eliminate the flow of coins, even if you shut down every bubble gum machine from Bellingham to Boston.

Most Canadians deny that a coinspiracy exists. In fact they'll tell you they're proud of their money, and would gladly show you their beavers.

"We invented the loonie," said Penny Aucoin, a Canadian investment analyst, "and then the Americans came out--years later--with their own 'original' gold-coloured $1 coin. Who's trying to cash in on whom? The next thing you know, the Americans will start printing coloured money."

This story about pyrophobics is brought to you by The Toque,
the world leader in Canadian money parody, Canadian currency satire, and other Canadian dollar humor.