Global Warming Worries Heat Up In Canada

Global warming will have profound effects on Canada. But will all of these global environmental changes be bad?

While this news may sound worrisome to many of the planet's inhabitants, it comes as welcome news to the Canadians. Why? Well, right now 90% of Canada is uninhabitable, and there are still questions about the other 10%.

While global warming will cause the ice to melt, sea levels to rise, and have severe consequences to the sweater garment industry, all is not bad. Here is a list of some effects Canadians can look and plan for:

Negative Effects Of Global Warming In Canada

• Ice bridges will melt, and will have to be replaced with traditional building materials. Ice bridge engineers will have to discard their ice chisels and saws in favour of wood chisels and saws.
• Thousands of snowmobile retail outlets will be forced to close, especially in the larger cities of Vancouver, Toronto, and Spuzzum.
• The Great Ice Cities of Iqaluit and Tuktuyuktuk will melt away like popsicles in a toaster oven, but they can be rebuilt using other traditional materials like nickel, soapstone, caribou hide, and balsa wood.
• Outdoor hockey/curling leagues will be impossible to maintain. Canadian communities will need to build indoor rinks or learn how to play lacrosse or that sport with the oddly shaped ball, you know, the one you throw.
• Total landmass will be significantly reduced since half of Canada is frozen ocean.
• Increased number of icebergs from melting glaciers will be an extra obstacle to fishing trawlers, ocean freighters, and water skiers.

Positive Effects Of Global Warming In Canada

• Although there will be less ice, we'll still have more of it than anyone else. Natural ice-cube and snow-cone export industries will be unable to meet the demands, and will expand at a rapid rate.
• There will be more habitable land, and more beach-front property--still at affordable prices--in the arctic. Now's the time to buy!
• Less permafrost, making it easier to dig yourself a swimming pool, well, or start your own pet cemetary.
• Vehicles won't have to be plugged in all winter, unless they're of the electric variety.
• Women will be able to shed layers outdoors, revealing characteristics that prove they are indeed the opposite sex.
• Canada 's under-rated surfing industry will get a much-needed boost, especially for the beluga narwhale surfers of Melville Island .
• Summers in Edmonton might last well into August.
• Shoveling snow will become a winter activity.
• Increased water flow will improve hydro-electric power. The extra water run-off won't flood country, but will instead drain downhill into the United States, where we can charge for it by the cubic metre.

The Toque understands the real dangers of global warming, and the effects of global warming on Canada and the world. Of course you realize that this piece of global warming satire is fictitious, and only intended for entertainment purposes. Copyright The Toque (this year).