Who The Fark Is This Farking Loser?

The farking troll tries to use his verbal diarrhea to impress other forum readers.

The farking troll is a less-than-fascinating creature, having nothing of value to contribute to society. Yet everywhere we surf, this vomit-writing forum-leecher is rampant, puking up words that add to the verbal sewage that purveys many online communities.

How does this bottom-dwelling scab-sucker thrive? His vocabulary and spelling are as weak as his under-developed muscles, and he thinks that "grammar" is the woman married to "grampar." It's surprising that this organic virus has enough brain power to maintain his own breathing.

Yet somehow, this bed-wetting boor consistently finds fodder upon which to feed on, and is able to spew out his dribble like a crack-induced soothsayer.

His critical attacks are simple but venomous, and his words are like a poisonous, hate-inducing propaganda, intended to disturb the shit upon which stands the frail structure of the online community. Too many times does the farking troll succeed in this, for his power grows from the ignorant, pre-teen community members who treat his ass-wiped, shit-smear postings like verses of gospel.

Comments like "worst...link...ever" or "this sucks" or "where is teh funny?" are the most common telling indicators of a farking troll. To him, these simple words are the throwing stones of a puerile youth who grew up in the school yards yelling out replies such as "oh yah?" and "I know you are, but what am I?"

But fear not, for these terse statements are about as inflammatory as the farking troll can get. Anything more spirited or preconceived would be beyond his comprehension. And when there is the rare example of a clever retort, it is usually found when the farking troll copies and pastes it from another forum member's valid critique.

The simplistic characteristics of the undersized brain of a farking troll are just its natural method of establishing a place within the forum hierarchy. This agonistic pattern of behavior is consistent with the farking troll's unsatisfactory sex-life (a direct result of his undersized genitalia), and mostly likely from childhood confusion arising from a long period of sexually satisfying his own step-father.

A problem with this sticks-and-stones behaviour is that once the hierarchy is established, and an alpha farking troll is pronounced, immature challengers will learn to imitate the leader using observational learning. They will copy and mimic the alpha farking troll by repeating his catch-phrases and posting their own foul fecal feedback. When the alpha troll puts down a particular comment, link, or story, the submissive forum posters will always follow, like ass-licking sycophants looking to impress their master.

We loathe the existence of the farking troll, but somehow we find a reason to pity this brain-damaged malcontent. Is it because this fat-fuck is only lashing out as a result of his mother breast-fed him until he was nine, and now his misdirected anger is focused on the nameless, faceless individuals of the Internet who can't possibly fight back? Is he jealous of all others who can form complete sentences? Does he regret spending his teenage years playing Minesweeper and Tetris while his friends sought an education and pursued careers? Or is it because the farking troll cannot afford a decent computer, and is pounding away with his sweaty sausage-like fingers on the sticky keyboard of his pathetic Pentium-90 machine?

You can just imagine the farking troll in his own dirty environment, wallowing in his own sweat in a torn "Linux Sucks" t-shirt and soiled sweat pants, subsisting on a diet of Ding Dongs, Cheezies, and Red Bull. He probably hasn't seen an exercise bike in his life. It wouldn't be hard to conclude that he has never known the company of a woman, and the outside world frightens him like a fearful child trying to cross the street for the first time. Of course he's unemployed, living off his parents' allowance or mooching off of his roommate. This unambitious financial freedom allows the farking troll those extra hours of time to post his empty opinions.

Should we condemn or pity the farking troll? Do we blame the mosquito for slowly sucking our lifeblood, or do we just slap at it without a second thought? Really, the farking troll deserves no more attention than the bubble gum that sticks to the bottom of your running shoe. But occasionally, that gum will get stuck in your carpet and will need to be removed, like a loose thread from a comfortable sweater.

(I have no fear of reprisal from this article, as it is unlikely the farking troll would have understood its retaliatory nature, he is too afraid to use his real name or email address, and he is probably still trying to figure what the word "fatuous" means--Editor).