Putting The Leash On Pornography

Blackie spends too much time looking at doggie porn.

THE DEN-- Blackie, a four-year-old black labrador, is being a naughty doggie. The canine companion to Jerry and Louise Hampton is spending all of his time viewing Internet pornography--doggie style.

Blackie, who came to the Hamptons as a pup, has been spending more and more time browsing adult-dog websites, subscribing to binaries newsgroups that contain pornographic images of dogs engaging in sex, and has on more than one occasion visited illicit chat rooms where canine carnality is the topic.

"It isn't healthy," said Louise Hampton about her purebred's porn addiction. "He should be outside frolicking, capering, and sniffing other dogs' butts--not drooling at obscene images of dirty little bitches."

Blackie's owners accept that they are partly to blame. They furnished him with his own room, and bought him an iMac (so simple that even a dog could use) hoping that their precious pet would use the Internet constructively. He did at first, learning about proper nutrition, ordering Frisbees® on Amazon.com, and researching techniques for catching cats. But after responding to an ICQ message inviting him to visit an SPCA website (which turned out to be pay-subscription service peddling poodle porn), Blackie became obsessed.

"At first we didn't think that looking at QuickTime videos of mating animals was bad. I mean, hell, we've all watched National Geographic," said Jerry. "But Blackie would pant at the computer for hours at a time, pressing his wet nose against the screen. One time I caught him humping the leg of the desk."

The Hamptons are confused and concerned for their dog.

"I've tried to get Blackie away from his computer," sighed Helga. "I bought him new chew toys; I offered to take him on longer walks; I even invited Julia Offerman over when her cocker spaniel 'Lucy' was in heat!"

Helga also tried confronting Blackie, but he just wagged his tail as if there was nothing wrong, and then growled at her when she attempted to turn off the machine.

The Hamptons were considering canceling their Internet service, but now think they may install Kennel Nanny, a web-filtering program that would block Blackie's access to doggie porn.

"I don't think Blackie even realizes that it's a problem," said Helga. "He's going to have to want to change. I think counseling may help. It worked for Irene Messier's catnip-addicted cat 'Mr. Tinkles'. Once Blackie allows himself to realize that he feels isolated and alone, then we can work on rehabilitating him away from his porn habit. After that we'll deal with his ringworm."