Decals Can Make Your Slow Machine Appear Faster

Jeff's PC is pathetically slow, but fancy flame decals help make it "look" much faster than it really is.

ON TOP OF A DESK-- Jeff Connell has a personal computer that is practically obsolete, but unfortunately he doesn't have the money to buy a new one. Watching Jeff plod away on his sluggish system is almost as heart-wrenching as viewing a third-world poverty program on TV. But just because his machine is painfully slow, it doesn't mean that it has to look that way.

Sadly, Jeff's machine is only a Pentium 133 (yes, they still exist outside of museums). The antiquated system was given to him by his father who recently upgraded to a Pentium 4 (2.4 gigahertz). The noisy, sputtering machine is barely usable by today's critical standards, but it's all Jeff has to use.

But while his plodding PC struggles to load even the most basic of applications, buzzing and whirring the whole time, Jeff's modified case gives the appearance of processing prowess. Jeff stuck Pentium 3 stickers on the front and sides of the aging box, and fiddled with the LED clock speed display so that it showed "666" (MHz).

"I can't afford to upgrade," confessed Jeff, an unemployed store clerk. "But for me to throw on a couple of high-tech decals, and add flames to the sides, it certainly gives the impression of speed."

Jeff's computer won't run Windows XP. He's not able to overclock the processor, and he can't run the latest version of Winamp without crashing. But the slick, tapered lines on the case of his computer tricks him into thinking he has a lean, mean processing machine.

"My non-geek friends can't tell the difference," admitted Jeff. "They think it looks fast, and looks are all that matters. I just wish I had enough power to play Quake--yah the first one."

Jeff is limited to using Office 95, because his hard drive is so small, and he uses Microsoft Paint because there isn't enough memory to load Photoshop. He has a CD-ROM, but it's only 2x-speed, and he's afraid to turn the system off because it takes forever to restart. Despite these setbacks, he still has a computer that looks sharp.

"I'm thinking of airbrushing a tornado on my monitor to give it a more powerful look," said Jeff. "And I'm going to pinstripe my 9-pin printer to make it look sleek, even though it only prints one page every two minutes."

Jeff is also considering adding lightning bolts to his 2400 baud modem, thunderclouds to his 2watt pc speakers, and snake fangs to his one-button serial mouse. Eventually, Jeff hopes to sell the Pentium 133 (maybe along with his 1984 Toyota Tercel) and buy a "real computer."

"Yes, it's a piece of shit," said Jeff of his embarrassingly slow former state-of-the-art system. "But hey, it looks impressive. Awe hell, who am I kidding..."