The Toque - Archived Stuff

Archived Stuff



Beware Of Inverted Pyramid Schemes Big Box Retailers Are Sealing Their Own Fates Boss Calls Bullshit After Employee Claimed To Have Seen Mel Brooks Movie Building A Career With LEGO Business Solutions: The Ass Copier Calls To Boyfriend At Work Rising Significantly Candy House Fails Code Commercial Catch And Release Fishermen Get The Hook Corporate Pawns Are Part Of The Bigger Game Employee Loses Focus Feng Shui Furniture Philosophy Goldbrickers Get Union Certification It's Important To "Establish" Your Business Klingons Open New Law Office Money Laundering Isn't A Filthy Business New Business Jets-on To Scene New Floor Supervisor Is A Real Slave-Driver Office Admirer Remains A Secret Piper Struggling With Accounts Receivables Poor Sales Leaves Writer Wondering Printouts Promote Paperless Office Risk Management Isn't A Game Sandbagger Is Having Troubles Finding Work Snack Packaging Engineers Have It In The Bag Snake Oil Salesman Has A Solution For Your Serpent The Burning Truth About Corporate Branding Underdeveloped Real Estate Market Ripe For Plucking Used Drug Needles Are Worth Cash! What A Grate Idea Work Pressures Responsible For Alienation Of Co-worker You Can't Wipe The Smile Off Gary's Face Young Guy Dyes Hair Grey, Lands New Job, Promotion


Aluminum Warships: Canada's Cost-Cutting Solution For Defending The Seas Americans Sucking Canada Dry Arctic Warlords Control The Ice Atlantic Plankton Fishery Threatened BC Has Nothing To Beef About The Beer Makes The Man Bilingualism Translates Into Big Books And Backaches British Columbia's Not-So-Fast Ferries Cactus Grow-Ops Are A Prickly Issue Canada Boldly Goes With New $5 Coin Canada Donates Cedar To Egypt For Pyramid Reshingling Program The Canadian Coinspiracy Canadian Hinterland: The Baffin Canadian Hinterland: The Bald Beaver Canadian Hinterland: The Crap Weasel Canadian Hinterland: The Long-Haired Elephant Canadian Hinterland: The Majestic Sea Lion Canadian Hinterland: The Rocky Mountain Llama Canadian Hinterland: The Sexy Canadian Cougar Canadian Hinterland: The Tundra Mole Canadian Tire Dollar Reaches Record Low Canadians Snowed Under By American Tariffs Carnivorous Trees Have Bark That Bite Cold Canadian Knights Construction Of Nunavut Parliament Building Nearly Complete Educating Our Children Must Become A Priority Felling The Fur Trade Forest Satyrs To Be Protected Under New Law Fremen Sand Claims Spicing Up Hibernia Prepared To Defend Its Freedom Hockey Conscription Works For Canadians Hockey-Loving Couple Stickhandles Through Their Differences Horned Otters: The Pacific's Playful Pests I Am Don Cherry's Love Child It's Tough Being A Biker In Canada Log River Remains One Of Canada's Natural Wonders Lorne Greene Remembered By Hundreds Annually Meet The Sultans Of St. Albert Ministry Of Foreign Affairs Keeps Eyes Open Nailing Down The Problems With The Staple Gun Registry New School Drinking Limit Is Hard To Chug Down No Doubt A-Boat It: Newfie Boat Thefts On The Rise One Canada, One Currency Plea From A Canadian Diplomat or Canadian Mail Scam? Polar Hunting Day: A Canadian Tradition Prairie Seals Are Straying Into Towns Protecting The Sacred Canadian Beaver The Rocky Mountain Tunnel Opens Up Trade Between Provinces Ski Season In B.C. Sends Gnomes Packing The Social Insurance Credit Card Tongue-Twisted Canadians Trapping Begins At 65 Trudeau Salute Immortalized In Bronze Vancouver To Restore Ancient Ruins Very Cold Beer And Wine Stores Watch For Sasquatch On Road Wayne Gretzky Returns To Alberta--To Rule Wheat Pools Make A Splash Why Yes, I Am Canadian The Wrongness Of Unnatural Gas You Can Soon Buy Beer From A Vending Machine


Are You An Update-Aholic? Babelfish Adds Canadian And American To Translation List Bill Gates Attempts Return To NBA Bob's Utility Software Is Ready To Be Installed Can You Slow The Internet Down Just A Tad? Counterfeit Graphics Circulate Thru Internet Computer Techniques For Tattoo Removal Diesel-Jet Printers Handle The Tough Jobs The Geek Workout How To Prevent Internet Electrocution I Fought Moore's Law And The Law Won I Want My MP3's Back Internet Addict Downloads For The Future Internet Casanova Strikes Again No Thanks, I'm Just Browsing Oversized Software Comes With Huge Hardware Demands Palm Announces New Really Really Tiny Handheld Phil Gates Does NOT Look Anything Like Bill Gates Spreadsheet Changes Outlook On Life Tech Department Gets New Server Television Plasma Shortage Clots Production The Problem With Grandma's Computer Use Your Recycle Bin And Save! Viewing Porn Will Put You In The Doghouse What Should I Do If The Internet Goes Down? What The Hell Was On That Computer Screen? Why I Lost That IT Job Why Must We Pick On The Hunters And The Peckers? Your Plodding PC Doesn't Have To Look Slow


7-Eleven's New Fountain Drinks Adult Video Store Downgraded To XX Batteries Included! Bumbleberries Feel The Cold Sting Of Winter Coca-Cola Falls Flat In Cola Endorsement With Santa Contractors Are Starting To Stick To Rubber Cement Cruise Control Is An Automatic Hit Delicious Maple Coke Don't Blubber Over Lack Of Fine Dining Dust Pests: Cute, Yet Problematic I Scream For Vanilla Ice Cream I'm A Costco-holic Ikea: Swedish For "Watch My Kids While I Go To Work" Jack In The Box Spokesman Impaled By Own Promotion Jack's Greasy Practices Laundromat Now Offers Triple-Washers, Tai Chi Lava Lamps Are Red-Hot Mall Hopes New Anchor Store Will Increase Sails Man Loves His Coffee Crisp Man's Life Not As Fresh Without Mentos McDonald's Recalls Ship From Persian Gulf McVISA Cardholder Way Over Her McLimit Organic Retailers Looking For Fresh Ideas To Extend Shelf Life Our Children Are Becoming Coke Addicts Sparkling Wine Outshines Other Brands Strip Malls Have Nothing To Hide Television Plasma Shortage The Beer Man Knows What Ales You The Price Of Friendship Is Going Up There's Nothing Tastier Than The Bearded Clam Three-Wheeled "Sport" Stroller Leaves Competition Eating Dust Turtle Pools Snapped Up For Summer Why Isn't My Life Like A Beer Commercial? Woman Gets Owly When Not Offered Employment At Hooters You Can (And Must) Get It All At Canadian Tire You Can Soon Buy Beer From A Vending Machine


A Doomed Relationship Before You Play That Game Sequel, Did You First Play The Original? Cheater Not Challenged By Age Of Mythology Chris Taylor Refuses To Sign Copy Of Dungeon Siege Gaming God's Plan For World Domination In Place Gamers Hold Gaming Addictions In Their Palms I Ran A Quake House Man Takes 17 Years To Beat Ghosts 'N Goblins Old Gamer Thinks Young Gamers Are Spoiled Playing Half-Life Is Better Than Having No Life Quake Player Can't Distinguish Gaming From Reality Scoring A Career In Gaming Software Pirate Disappointed With Latest Game Releases Softwarez Store Creating A Copy For Success The Boy's Got Game -Gamer Ready To Enter The Draft Video Wargaming Veteran Coping With Stress Why I Lost That Deathmatch


Alcohol And Drunkenness May Be Connected Canadians Treated For Log Cabin Fever Candy Cigarette Companies Forced To Add More Warnings Dishwasher Suffering From Phantom Glove Syndrome Don't Listen To The Voices In Your Head Fear Of Escalator's Escalating Man Haunted By Little Green Alien From The Flintstones Man's Threesome Fantasies Getting Harder To Distinguish From Reality Mother's Vegetarian Diet Not Sanctioned By Father Still No Cure For Ice Cream Headaches Study Links Vehicle Size To Penis Size Tongue Sunburned Despite Warnings Unorthodontist Em-braces Change Zombie Poster Puts Brain Surgery Patients At Ease


A Real Brady Girl American Treated Like A McQueen Auto-Pilot Whales Are Charting A Course For Disaster Billy Bob Is Slinging Out A New Life Bingo Lover Dabs And Dabbles Boyfriend's Chances For Love Are Stuffed Boyfriend Hates Going To Her Friends' Parties Cattle Drive Rounds Up $$$ For School City Tries To Stay Calm Coffee-Crazed Consumer Cuts Caffeine Consumption Con Artist Tries To Make An Honest Living Couple Just Pretending To Be Happy Distractionist Makes His Living Fooling Around Do You Like My Driveway? Doggy Doo Disposal Delightful Diversion Don't Mess With Me Old Man Don't Trust Your Plants To A Brown Thumb Fanning The Flames Of Love Florida Woman Forced To Share Husband With Dolphin Frenchman Expects To Get Lucky Again Tonight Girl Wages Personal War Against Houseflies Girl Wishes For Change From Fountain Girlfriend Spoils Moment By Proofreading Love Note Girls Not Blown Out Of Water By Cannonballs Grampa's Lack Of Traction And Handling Is Starting To Affect His Enjoyment Of Life He Said He Would Call! It's Hard To Decide Between Looks And Personality Jedi Wins Top Sales Honours Again Kid Figures He Has A New Angle Librarian Quietly Takes Home Award Life Is Not Quite Like A Box Of Chocolates Man And Vulture Carrion With Their Lives Mortician Is No Stiff Only Hugh Can Prevent Forest Fires Panhandler Begs To Differ People Who Live In Grass Houses Should Not Throw Stones Pyrophobics Get Fired Up For Camping Trip Raising A Jedi Apprentice Is Harder Than You Think Self-Hypnotist Amazes Audiences Slaves Invented Cotton Gin Teenager Dumped By Chat-Room Girlfriend Uncle Randy Has A Babyfood Problem What's Wrong With Packing Fudge? Whittler Trying To Carve Out A Living Why I Lost My Girlfriend Why My Car Was Totalled Woman Frosted Over Erotic Cake Woman Just Wants A Little Courtesy You Can Be Too Careful Zoo Opens Gargoyle Exhibit


Aquatic Seances Are A Popular Form Of Paranormal Exercise Beer Makes You Psychic! Can Man's Best Friend Communicate Telepathically? Casper's Grave Found Crop Rectangles Amaze And Confound Montanans Fluorescent Lights Collecting Souls Ghostwriter Faces Grave Challenges I'm Having This Really Trippy Dream About Werewolves Interdimensonal Vortex Keeps Ruining All My Parties Kingdome Ghost Haunts Seattle Home Spiritualist Predicts Future Using Soli-Tarot Cards Telekinesis Secrets Now Available Telepathic Canadians Have Problems Communicating


Barney The Dinosaur Gives Wake-Up Call To Statisticians Bob Vila: This Old Ruin Chuck Norris Spotted Leaving Liposuction Clinic Come Visit Spamland! Comic Strip "Friendly Circus" Enjoys Online Fame And Success Crispin Glover Gives Up Acting To Pursue Cave Real Estate Fan Wins Backstage Pass For Impersonator Rock Band Concert Improv Show Airs Without Script Iran Condemns James Woods Metallica Changes Name To Topfortyca New Boy Band Appeals To Over-65 Teenagers Nude Pictures Of Britney Spears... Popcorn Movie Fails To Meet Expectations Sitcom Obsession Is Consuming Man Stones Remains To Tour Ted Nugent Wants To "Arm The Children" Three's Company Graveyard Spooks Californians Why Television Was A Better Babysitter World's Greatest Feminist To Be Decided On Oprah


A Whale Of A Sport Americans Lose Final In World Ker Plunk Championships Ancient Dance Revived For Fun, Health Bungeeing Babies Get The Jump On Fun Chess Club Wishes It Had A Queen Klingons Spell Victory In Scrabble Tourney Lawn Darts Players Are Tossing Safety Aside Man Will Beat Those Who Get Too Close To His Meat New Chess Megastore Checks Into Town Park Chess Player Stretches Out Victories Rock Climber Cannot Emphasize Enough The Importance Of Concentration Rome Converts Ancient Temple Into Minigolf Attraction Skaters Boost Zoo Attendance Weiner-Dog Racing Is Dog-Gone Fun Weird-Looking Kid Keeps Winning At Monopoly


Ancient Seal Protects Earth From Eternal Evil Angels To Be Laid Off Over Christmas Church Reveals Eraser Size Of God Eating At McDonald's Is A Religious Experience False Idol Worshippers Gambling For Salvation God Grants Minister's Wish For Letter Of Reference Hell Looking For Hot New Look Mooslims In Canada New Bumper Sticker To Assist In Marketing God Pious Pope's Pizza Perfect Provender The Philosophy Of Walkenology The Refreshing Tale Of The God Of Beer Understanding The Mennenites


Aroma Therapy Makes Scents Astronomy=Profit For Cult Comet Consultant City's Experimental "Smart" Signal Light System Stopped Experts Almost Certain What Caused Shuttle Ride Disaster NASA Announces Plans For A 2006 Lunar Landing Martian Specialist Probes For Answers Physicist Explains New Pancake-Flipping Theory Professor Hawking Unravels Mysteries Of Paragliding Seattle Teen First To Be Re-engineered With Antiquing Gene Stop The Burning! The Human Body Is A Wasteful Machine Wayne Gretzky Cloned!


9th Floor Tenants Look Down On Other Residents City Approves Safe Inhalation Sites Colour-Blind Ambition Coupon Forgery Ring Clipped Donut Junkies Dunking Themselves To Death Donut Fire Still Smouldering Elementary Schools Cracking Down On Sugar Problems Feral Boys Dwell In City's Parks Hall Monitor Keeps Order With Trained Squirrel Jumper Saved By Sign From Above Mail-Order Grooms Shipped To Order Maintaining A Punk-Free Apartment Building Mother Disapproves Son Dating Coloured Girls New Father Heavily Into Children's Programming Ninja Student Silently Struggling Parents Battle With Empty Nest Syndrome Police Close To Solving Vending Machine Deaths Preventing Cruelty To Stuffed Animals Protests Increase Outside Breast Reduction Clinic Rookie Hiker Abandoned By Friends Rub-On Tattoo Parlours Are Here To Stay Son Knows His Father Is No Dope Squeegee Pimps: They're Not So Squeaky Clean Squatters Challenge No-Squatting Laws Street-Surfing Causes Waves Taking Censorship To The Far Side Talks Resume As Frisbee In Neighbour's Yard Enters Eleventh Day The Other Line Always Moves Faster The Rickster Never Leaves A Nightclub Empty-handed Theme Park Is A Poor Destination For Suicidal People Town Appoints First Openly Gay Sheriff Vanity Plate Offers Man Artistic License Virgin Convention Attracts Record Crowds Wave Farewell To Handshaking What The Hell Was Floating In The River? What The Hell Was In That Bucket? Yosemite Sam Pretty Darn Near Blows Up Girlfriend


Amateur Boxer Loves His Equipment Archery Enthusiast Desires To Hunt "Live" Targets Bowling Gangs Terrorize Alleys Canada Urges IOC To Include More Canadian Sports In Olympic Games Casey Martin Switches Gears Corked Stick Brings Shame To The Sport Of Hockey Football Fans Tackle Man Wearing Blasphemous Jersey Grizzly Mauls NBA Star While Filming Commercial Hockey Night Hygiene Hysteria Hockey Night In Rural Canada Indoor Lawn Bowling Is A Growing Sport Man Chooses To Wear Bowling Shoes OUTSIDE The Alley Oakland A's Trounce High School Team 84-0 Player Sent Down To The Farm Rocket-Powered Horse Jets To Another Victory Roughriders Win! Worshippers Pray That The Mailman Will Play Next Season


Airport Offers Porn To Tired Travellers America's Final Solution To Foreign Problem Americans Are Losing The War Against Picking Chocolate Maker Facing Social Pressure For Segregating White And Dark Chocolates City Of Darwin Sinks Through Natural Selection Cthonic Creatures Emerge After Centuries Long Slumber Cola Smuggling: A Carbonated Crime The Coyote's Wily Schemes Could Become Tourist Traps Dachshund Fighting In Asia Global Warming Helps Iceberg Lettuce Industry Felling The Fur Trade Lesser Holidays Demand Islands To Call Their Own Massive Clearcutting Threatens Old Growth Ocean City Has No Superhero Queen Elizabeth Yet To Sign New Contract Really Cold War Heats Up Remember The Cattlecaust Romanian Divining Cows Provide Milk, Find Wells Sand People Prepare For War Those Damned Treehuggers! Two Army Men Missing After Wargames Water Conservation Must Be Made A Priority


Animal Control Fighting Smurf Infestation Beware The Island Of Dr. Henson Garden Gnome Waiting For Right Time To Kidnap Boy Goth Girl Caught In Headlights Job Sucks Life Out Of Vampire Teen Mermaid Sighting Almost Causes Rig Disaster Seagull Has Had Enough Of Other Birds' Shit Snuffleupagus Promises To Wipe Out Scourge Of Non-Believers Swamp Things Placed On List Of Endangered Species The Magical Pen: Man Becomes Rich And Influential With A Simple Writing Instrument There's Gnome Place Like Home Trolling For Sport And Profit What Would The Floating Head Of William Shatner Do? Where Has All The Magic Gone?

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