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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
I bet you didn't know that Canadians love the Superbowl. Yes, we have the Grey Cup, and yes the British Columbia Lions were soundly defeated in Canada's "Big Game." But really, there is more hype with the American counterpart. And why not? There's 30 teams battling it out, compared to Canada's NINE. The game itself has its differences, but really I wouldn't care if there were three downs, four, or nine. Let's face it, the Yanks have the superior talent, better marketing, and cooler uniforms. You could argue with a Canadian Football League (CFL) fan all afternoon, and still not convince him that the NFL has a better game. Just try telling that to the ONE CFL team that doesn't get to make the playoffs.
THE
RANDOM STORY GENERATOR IS STILL PRODUCING Okay, I admit, there is no random story generator. I made that up. Much like most of the content you read on our web site. But would you believe how many people believe that what we write is true? Now I realize that the Internet is everywhere, and that everything on the Internet is true. "It's a fact!" But forgiving that statement, I try my best to make sure that the balance in our material tilts towards the incredibly unbelievable. Really, it should be enough that on every page we print "Canada's Source For Humour, Parody, And Satire." Nowhere on any page does it say "This is absolutely true!" Yet, every week I continue to receive emails from readers asking about the secrets to telekinesis, the keys to unlocking the bible, and wondering if it's true that beer makes you psychic. **I WISH**. People, please! This site is just for fun, like The Onion, The Weekly World News, and CNN. You're not supposed to believe it!
I
SURVIVED THE SLASHDOT OF 2003 Remember when your parents went to Reno, Las Vegas, or Hawaii, and when they came back all you got was that lousy t-shirt saying "My parents went to Hawaii and all they got me was this lousy t-shirt"? Well, that's not what I was thinking. I meant those t-shirts you bought that said "I Survived The Quake Of '90" or "I Survived Reagan". Well, I was considering getting some t-shirts that said "I Survived The Slashdotting of 2003". Why? Well, Slashdot is one of those uber-sites that destroys smaller websites with barely a nod. Kinda like that weird whale alien ship in Star Trek IV that was ready to wipe out Earth. It washes away everything that's in its path, not really meaning any harm or anything. I got Slashdotted on Thursday for the story What Should I Do If The Internet Goes Down?. It's a cute little piece that I knew would attract the favourable nerd demographic, but I hardly expected to get pounded with mega hits (mega meaning a whole lot). As far as I could tell, The Toque survived the onslaught, and the aftershock, and even today the mumblings and rumblings are still being felt. Well, I don't need any more t-shirts, but I'm grateful still that I survived. Thanks Slashdot for all the traffic, and thanks to all the weblogs for picking it up as well.
THE
CURSE OF THE CUB-BINO You probably think that because we live in Canada, we don't follow baseball. Or if we do, we turn off the televisions when the Blue Jays don't make the playoffs. I'm not sure there are any Expos fans, or if there are I haven't met any. In the states, you can liken it to the Clippers. Well, in the Great White North, we do watch baseball and its playoffs--we just flip back and forth between that and the hockey game, any hockey game. Yes, we feel sorry for the Cubs fan who goated his way into history. Yes, we feel sad for the Red Sox who couldn't win the World Series if they moved the Green Monster in from left field fifty feet and the other team had to bat left-handed. In Vancouver, the Western bureau offices of The Toque, we follow the Seattle Mariners, because it's more of a regional thing than a national thing. Plus, since Toronto is already the centre of the world, nay universe, they don't need any more encouragement. So this year, it's the Yankees who buy the World Series every year, or the Marlins who sell it after they win. Tough choice. What time is the Canucks game on?
ABHORING
AD-WHORING You've probably already noticed the text ads on most of The Toque's pages (but not all). I deliberated, I pondered, and I even thought: do I want to advertise on The Toque? I've never been a fan of banner ads (well, the real ones anyway), and animated gif's throw me into fits that threaten beer spillage--which is never condoned. We do make money from t-shirts, and from reprints, and we all have jobs, but after seeing Google's Adsense network, I thought that this couldn't be too bad of a thing. The ads that are appearing all seem to be relevant to the topic of the article/story, and they're less offensive than the enlargement emails I get in my mailbox every day. These ads are all text, and they happened to fit within our web structure without having to rearrange anything. Plus, too much white space can't be good for your monitors, eh? So, if you have an opinion on our semi-commercial look, let me know. If you wish to send me a really large cheque (not a novelty one), we can discuss it even further. In the meantime, I hope you take a moment to click on one or two of these ads, especially if you're looking for parrot food, dachshund accessories, or model gnome kits.
CARRRR!!! We all played hockey on the streets as kids, and we pretended that we were the stars of the game: Orr, Sittler, Gary Smith. But our fantasies were often interrupted by a wanting-to-pass motorist, and we were forced to drag the home-made hockey nets to the side of the road. Game 7 of the Stanley Cup this year has been played, and we'll have to wait a few weeks before we can drag that net back onto the middle of the road. But life goes on. Fortunately, we have other pastimes: softball, golf, polar hunting to keep us busy through the summer month (July). But then it's back to the bitter cold that forces Canadians indoors, where we huddle around the iron stoves, burning logs to keep us warm.
If
You Can't Say Something Nice... I could've sworn that I had had more to say. But as my grandmother used to say: "If you can't say something nice...oooh is that Lawrence Welk? Go back to that channel!" The truth is...factual information. But a compliment is something rarer still. The mailbox keeps filling up, and there are fewer doomsayers spelling out T-H-E E-N-D. I think we've shut them up for good this time; that, or they still haven' figured out how to remove that virus. So what do you think? Are you still reading? Do you quietly click on The Toque during work on Tuesdays and sneak a peak, hoping that the content doesn't get you disciplinary action from your politically corrected boss? That's okay. I'm sure the management reads us too. I'm sorry if I haven't updated the editor's page enough for you, keeping you in touch with the wacky woollenness that is The Toque. If you really want all the gossip, you should be reading the tabloids, or your daily newspaper. I'm sure there's enough fluff in there to clog a clothes dryer.
Nuts
To The Nay-sayers I'd like to a moment to send a few raspberries to those who didn't think our website would last. Early into our enterprise (not the starship) we would receive e-mails like "here today, gone tomorrow", or we'd see postings on webpages or newsgroups that basically said we were doomed, and we wouldn't be able to "keep it up." Well, as I shuffle through my inbox, I don't see too many of those e-mails anymore. And as I look back on those critical websites, I more often find "page not found". Now, I'm not saying that I have the key to longevity, but I do know that with the crazy world we live in, there will always be something to write about.
Hockey
Has Returned It used to be that Thanksgiving signalled the last day that you could go shopping with seeing Christmas displays. That day used to be Hallowe'en, and before that I'm pretty sure that it was Remembrance Day. But last week I saw Yuletide ornaments in a local store prior to Turkey Day, and I suspect that soon we'll be seeing mechanical Santa Claus's and chrome Xmas trees being sold at the same time as school supplies. And why not? Aren't there people who celebrate Christmas every day of the year? I'm sure that the retail community wouldn't mind the extra business.
Magnetic
North-West Oh geez, would you look at that, Martha? Them Ruskies is takin' our North Pole right from underneath our noses wouldn't you know! They must have some super-Soviet magnet they're be using to pull the thing out from under our Arctic tundrer. Well, at least we've still got ourselves the Fortress O' Solitude that tha' feller Super-Duperman has himself, and ain't that a nice little cottage eh? Oh for sure, we've still that little toy factory that St. Nick has himself just up the road there, with his elves and such, and oh helk, they're probably getting pretty busy themselves with Christmas around the corner, eh. They probably won't notice it too much, what with Santa using that red-nosed feller, name's a Rudolph, and probably don't worry too much about a compass. That's for sure, eh.
Revel
Revel, Who Am I? Oh boy, what a week of revelry it would be for you, he or she of dual citizenship. So your mother is from Texas, and your father was born in Red Deer. He moved down to Austin to be a game designer and met your mom, they fell in love, and gave birth to you, some sort of patriotic hybrid. That's alright, because you get to have two national holidays! And isn't it great that they fall within three days of each other? No? Oh I see, it's like having your birthday on Christmas, and your aunt combines the two presents into one presumably bigger present. Oh well, that's tough luck. But hey, you may well have gotten the whole week off of work, right? And how exactly did the cake designer work his magic on your country cake? The even bigger question is: can you be a jingoist and have dual citizenship? Happy July 1st and Fourth of July anyhow.
Summer
Approacheth And We Are Prepared The solstice is nearing, and as a citizen of Earth residing above the 49th Parallel, I must make every effort to absorb every possible ray of sunshine that is to be offered from now until Labour Day (note the Canadian spelling). Summer is a precious season, and like the flower that tentatively blooms at the first sunbeam, so do I make every conceivable effort to bask in the rays of mighty Sol. You see, it is a fleeting time, is summer, and Canadians are truly fortunate to receive the radiation that comes with the season. A tanned Canadian is a truly wonderous sight, and forgiving any artificial means of pigmentation, it is a truly holy occurence. Summer (in the Yukon they call it the second week of August) is the time when we discard our parkas, our turtlenecks, our woollen sweaters, and revel in the offerings that our heavenly body proffers. Like the ancient Incas, we worship the sun as a deity. Welcome O mighty golden orb!
Hockey
Month In Canada I see you looking at my hockey jersey. Yes, that is the emblem of the Montreal Canadiens, one of the most easily recognized logos in the sports world. Up until 1979, they were one of the most successful sports franchises in North America, excluding women's indoor cricket. Well, as you may be aware, it's the playoffs, and once again hockey is taking the stage. As a pure Canadian, I will be riveted to the television far into June. Now it doesn't matter who wins the Stanley Cup, as every team in the NHL is composed of mostly Canadians. It is comforting to know, that however it turns out, we will come out winners.
Man
I Wish I Was Bitter Oh man, if only I had a reason to lash out. I have this whole website at my disposal, this powerful forum where I could rant about my problems and be heard by thousands. I could be that voice that cries out when one discovers the cane sugar in their soda pop has been replaced by corn syrup. I could use my influence to influence, educate, and persuade; I could preach my own brand of politics, and sway the consciousness of Canadians, and citizens of the world. But sadly, I don't have an agenda. Oh wait! I wasn't able to purchase that DVD of The Tall Guy this week! Hear me oh masses, and rally to my cause. Ah, nevermind. It'll be available next week I'm sure.
Swept
Away By Curling Actually that title is a lie. I'd rather rake leaves than watch curling on television. But, we've all got to support our Canadian athletes in Salt Lick City, and so: "Rah Rah Canada." I'm really wondering though, how many more chances I will be offered in my lifetime to go see olympic events live--as they happen. There have been so many opportunities to go, that the "once in a lifetime" urge just isn't there. Mind you, I was rather young when the olympics were held in Montreal in 1976, and I wasn't ready to leave the nest to go to Lake Placid in 1980. Now that you mention it, I suppose I could have driven down to Los Angeles in 1984, and I certainly have no excuse not to have gone to Calgary in 1988. Now, if Vancouver were to get the 2010 olympics..well, I guess I could motivate myself to go to an event or two. But Whistler is a couple hours away...and that Sea To Sky highway...well, there will always be CBC television. Right?
It
Falleth And It Sticks You know, it's really hard keeping up the pretense that Canada is a frozen wasteland--especially when you get a foot of snow dumped in your yard, and it doesn't melt. What this equates to, is chaos. Many citizens of Vancouver, the western bureau of The Toque, haven't got a clue what the white stuff falling from sky happens to be. Many of them go down on bended knee and pray to the various gods they worship, most of those gods unfamiliar themselves with snow. The result is a a serious upturn in car accidents, and deaths by freezing (they stare up in the sky until they lose all feeling in their bodies). But the real problem that is posed, is for writers who continue to make Americans, and other nations, believe that we haven't seen green earth since before the last ice age--although that may be true for Manitoba. I always get a laugh when an American friend comes into Canada expecting to see a frozen wall right at the border. But now, they may come to realize, that it could be true, and they may dress appropriately. Fortunately, there are still many other myths that we can reinforce--outdoor plumbing, lack of cablevision, or a workable telephone system. May we all continue in international ignorance and bliss--eh.
What's
Under The Cap The good people who bring you The Toque, the Canadian satire magazine that makes you laugh without resorting to fart jokes (yet), are pleased to announce that yes, we will continue to bring you exceptionally funny material throughout the new year. Although we are being continually challenged to bring you the finest in mediocre written entertainment each week, we will nevertheless strive to pretend that we are doing the best we can to deliver only the most adequate of our most spectacularly ordinary stories, articles, and little snippety short brief written thingies. How do we do it, you are prompted to ask? Well, a lot of my ideas come from "zoning out" in front of the television. Fortunately, I started this at an early age, and therefore my brain is full of the media pollution known sometimes as pop culture. Other members of the writing team have more formal educations, and are able to formulate cohesive sentences, and have been taught to know what is funny. Still others just wing it, and hope that something sticks. A thousand writers being hit by a thousand typewriter-wielding monkeys or somesuch.
Wool Toques Are
Nice, But itchier Than Acrylic Christmas is upon us, and you will have noticed that The Toque has published its Xmas issue. Yes, Canadians celebrate Christmas on Dec.25th. This is not to be confused with Canadian Thanksgiving, or Polar Hunt Day. We are inundated with the same commercials, and our kids desire the same toys as our neighbours to the south. No, there is no snow on my lawn this Christmas, and think there has only been eight "white Christmas's" in the past twenty-five years. This is not counting the year I lived in California. I wish the very best season to all of you, and I hope you get what you wished for this year. I'm sure that most of you are grateful that this is a digital Xmas, and that consumer electronics are high on the list. I'm not complaining either!
A Man, A Wool Cap,
And An Idea First of all, I want to thank everyone for reading The Toque, Canada's unofficial source for satire. If you didn't visit our site or read our publication, well, we'd be rather put off. You know, writing something funny is one thing, writing something funny every week is something else completely. I see humour sites come and go; people have funny ideas for stories and weave these grand websites around them, only to find out that they really only had that one good idea. Well, good for you for trying. We here at The Toque are lucky; we have a great group of writers who seem to ooze out the stuffs that make for good stories. We have brought together people who are creative, and have a desire to continually make people laugh. Our team has experience writing professional journalism, comic strips, animations, short stories, and even legitimate magazine articles. It is our profound hope that our team strives to keep you interested by continuing to give you clever satirical writing, and bizarre other-world stories (what we sometimes refer to as "bong-hit" stories). Our traffic is amazing, and hey, no advertising on our site! (well, yet anyways). Of course, if you wanted to drop a few bucks on us, we wouldn't say no to that. Mostly, we're in it for the writing, and the fun of it. But who knows what corporate revenue model will show up on my desk in the future. Hello Freedom-35 Plan! Anyways, I just wanted to say "hello", and take this moment to acknowledge our visitors. Cheers for now, and check back for infrequent updates.
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Superbowled Over 