Floyd Barber, Motivational Warehouse Supervisor
I know that your mother packs you a lunch everyday–so why do you feel the need to constantly eat the god-damned packaging material?
Son, that shit just ain’t healthy.
Now save the bullshit, because it’s better off fertilizing your momma’s garden. Besides, I’ve heard your excuses, and most of them are lamer than a three-legged camel with hoof-rot.
I don’t quite get your thinking–you must’ve ordered your smarts on eBay, and you’re still waiting for delivery. There’s no other explanation for this type of stupidity. Maybe this warehouse has been touched by the spirit of Charles Darwin, because at this rate the diminishing warehouse worker will soon be extinct!
Now don’t give me any of your bullshit excuses about eating glue as a kid, or your teenage addiction to latex paint, because I’ve heard them all. Sir Edmund Hillary couldn’t climb your mountain of shit. And if you could ship freight the way you shovel shit, you’d be the president of UPS.
It doen’t matter to me that the stuff is still better for you than real popcorn, or that there’s never any Snickers in the honour-system snack tray. Those polymer nuggets are still company property, and according to the last invoice, the stuff costs $30/ton.
Now I’m being fair with you here because I remember a much younger Floyd who once got a little reckless and chewed a bag of heavy-duty elastic bands when he was trying to stop smoking.
So this is just a warning. But the next time I catch you munching on the shipping mix, you better save some of it to pack your things in, because I’ll be shipping your ass fourth class to the unemployment office, and you’ll be paying the freight. 
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