Candy Cigarette Addictions Are No Treat

Candy cigarette packages now contain labels that warn about the dangers of consuming candy cigarettes.

Some of the recommended candy cigarette labels include: Sugar Can Promote Tooth Decay; Candy Cigarettes Can Spoil Your Dinner; and Consumption May Interfere With Your Body's Ability To Absorb Calcium And Magnesium.

The department of the Sugar General is also looking into possible labels for certain saccharin-based candy cigarettes, sugar-free Popeye "candy sticks", and "Pocky", the imported Asian treat that loosely resembles candy cigarettes.

Concerned parents, worried that candy cigarettes may lead to addictions later in life, pressured officials to enact the new labeling laws.

But previous studies, paid for by candy cigarette companies (who are sometimes referred to as "Big Candy Cigarette") determined that less than 5% of the children who ate candy cigarettes went on to become adults who ate candy cigarettes.

"The whole thing sucks more than a hooker with an all-day sucker," says Lenny Choo, owner of Choo's Corner Store and Flower Market in Skyway, Washington. "Once they've labeled all the candy cigarettes, they'll want to go after the licorice pipes. Then it'll be the chocolate bongs. Before you know it, all the ginseng wine will have to be in plain brown bags behind the store counter. They need to butt out of my business."

Certain states are again considering a total ban on candy cigarettes, but are meeting with public resistance.

"We won the battle in 1967 over the ban of candy cigarettes in North Dakota, and we'll win this time too", says Albert Nessen, chairman of the American Candy Cigarette Coalition. "Back then, they thought candy cigarettes would lead children to smoking tobacco cigarettes. But what kid would want to smoke when they could eat candy?"

Many applaud the new law.

"This is a great step," says Doris DeLangen, 32, of Chicago, IL. "If they had warning labels on candy when I was young, I probably wouldn't be overweight now, I might still have all my teeth, and I likely wouldn't have this all-consuming passion for Milk Duds."

Candy cigarettes have already been banned in countries such as Bahrain and Saudi Arabia. But then, those countries have also outlawed alcohol, tobacco, chocolate, kissing in public, and deathmatch monster-truck racing.