It’s Table-Top Hockey Night In Canada
DOWNTOWN CANADA –As the NHL lockout sloshes through another month of the intended regular hockey season like a skater on melting ice, Canadian hockey fans are looking elsewhere to compensate for the emptiness left by their national sport. While minor and junior hockey leagues are providing some solace for the fans of the game, there can be no replacement for the National Hockey League (NHL).
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The NHL has been in a labour dispute since October, when they closed their doors on the 2005 season. The decision to postpone the start of the season was felt like a hockey stick driven through the heart. Negotiations between owners and players are at a stand-still, and many fear that their hockey-viewing pastime may be lost forever.
While many despair at the loss of their favourite winter sport, some are finding comfort in other forms, by participating in recreation beer leagues, playing street hockey, or joining quilting classes.
Still others, the ones who prefer not to exert themselves, and would rather stay home and drink beer, have discovered table-top hockey, an inexpensive indoor recreation that simulates the action of the “fastest game in the world.”
Mike Rogers, a life-long Toronto Maple Leafs fan who is disgusted by the lockout, has become consumed by this alternative form of hockey entertainment. Mike, who has had seasons’ tickets for the Leafs since 1994, has found a way to make table-top hockey fill the huge gap in his hockey life.
Mike has dedicated his recreation room to the sport, and has set up his own table-top hockey league in his basement, complete with schedules, and stats.
“My passion for hockey cannot be quelled,” said Mike. “While I know table-top hockey can’t replace the intense on-ice action of the National Hockey League, it’s a good diversion. Although I wish there could be some physical contact between the players.”
Mike’s team, Rogers’ Rangers, currently sits third in his hockey division. (his wife’s 86-year-old grandmother Eva is presently leading the league). Mike’s wife Anita tabulates the scores and prints out scoring sheets for everyone in the neighbourhood. Mike is hoping to build a website with a table-top fantasy hockey league and maybe even expand his league into neighbouring communities who are craving hockey.
“I even video-taped the game for some of my friends who couldn’t make it out to the game,” said Mike. “I’ve tried to convince the CBC to broadcast our table-top hockey games on Saturday nights, but they said no. I think they’re just delusional and they still think that the strike will end soon. Still, this stuff has got to be better than the other shit they televise.”
Because of the growing interest in this NHL alternative, Mike was recently interviewed by his local paper, who were considering printing weekly articles on his table-top hockey league–just to fill the gaping holes in the sports section.
“My best forward would lead the league in scoring,” said Mike to a sportswriter. “That is, if he wasn’t limited to moving forward and back along a singlet groove in the table-top surface,” complained Mike. “And his best shot is the wrist shot…well actually, they’re all wrist shots.”
Mike went on to explain how this could replace the NHL, as there were only six-players on each time (each logging sixty-minutes a game), and there were no salaries to pay.
This NHL hockey lockout article was brought to you by The Toque, the definitive world leader in Canadian hockey humour
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