This Ice Cream Store Really Licks

There are hundreds of flavours to choose from, but hopefully these kids aren't looking for plain vanilla!

But many customers think that this parlour has gone over the top to get the scoop on the competition, and believe it has lost the sense of the original mom-and-pop ice cream shop.

"[I Creamed Myself] boasts the largest selection of ice cream on the planet--everything from double chocolate dark rum to peanut butter and jelly crunch," said Wilbert Frump, a retired plumber with a penchant for ice cream.

"They have licorice, bubble gum, and there is even a curry-flavoured ice cream. This joint has flavours that reach outside the frickin' taste spectrum. But nowhere on the god-damned menu is there a choice for plain vanilla. What the hell kind of ice cream joint doesn't carry vanilla?"

The parlour does feature a range of "specialty" vanillas. Among those choices is Etruscan Olive Vanilla, Parisian Double Creme Vanilla, and Royal Arabian Vanilla. But with the greatest selection on the planet, there doesn't appear to be any vanilla of the ordinary kind listed on its five-page menu of flavours.

"Just plain vanilla is all I'm bloody-well looking for," said Wilbert, who remembers as a child, a time when the ice cream man used to crank out vanilla ice cream fresh from the box. "No, I don't want Polish Praline Vanilla, or Virgin Vanilla Sensation, or even Extreme Vanilla Super Supreme. Where the hell do they come up with this sh*t?"

Wilbert spent half an hour fogging the glass cases with his breath while he scoured the coolers looking for the basic off-white colour that represented his simple, favourite flavour--vanilla.

"Christ's Christmas ornaments man, what does it take to get a f*cking vanilla ice cream cone these days!?" raged Wilbert, before eventually deciding to go to Starbucks for a plain, black coffee.