A Retreat For People Who Are Too Terrified To Burn The Midnight Oil

Pyrophobic campers gather around the place where there would be a campfire--if they weren't all deadly afraid of fire.

Pyrophobics have a deadly fear of fire. Most of the time the phobia develops from a childhood occurrence involving fire, smoke, or extreme heat. The fear develops over time until the individual believes that one day a fire will slowly consume them, its deadly flames burning away their sickly sweet flesh until the blackened cinders peel off from their charred bones leaving only a smoking pile of ash!

This was the third retreat and most members considered it their best yet.

"It was great," said Lynne Welsup, lifelong pyrophobic. "We passed around a bag of marshmallows and ate packages of uncooked all-beef wieners. It was a little silly putting them on the roasting sticks that we had carved, but we had to make do. We were going to make 'smores,' but Rob ate all the chocolate, and there was no way we'd try and melt it anyway. Then we sang a few songs to cheer up our spirits."

The cozy group atmosphere even ignited some sexual attractions between members.

"I really like Dwayne," said Suzanne Riggler shyly. "His eyes are full of fire and lust. That frightens me, but it also makes me hot."

It wasn't all fun and games, though. The purpose of the retreat was also to help heal the fears associated with pyrophobia. This year's retreat's theme was "Lighting the Fire Within." A spontaneous session was worked in when Lyle Parrish admitted that he was a pyrophobic and a smoker. Later on, there was a moment of unexpected excitement when a visiting ranger mentioned that it was the height of forest-fire season.

Despite the psychological workout, the pyrophobics were having fun--at least until the sun went down. Tony Regis had brought a propane heater, but he was too afraid to light it. After darkness set in, many of the campers huddled around for awhile, before it got too cold out.

"Most of us had flashlights," said Lynne, "so we flickered those around at each other for a while until Alison had a nervous reaction and started screaming. We were going to tell ghost stories, but after that episode, we figured it was probably time for bed."

Most of the campers refused to stay inside the dangerous wooden cabins, and chose instead to pitch flame-retardant tents near the lake. Several chose to sleep in the aluminum rowboats, preferring the relative safety of the water.

After the weekend, most of the pyrophobics were burnt-out from all the fun they had.

This story about pyrophobics is brought to you by The Toque,
the world leader in pyromania parody, pyromaniac satire, and other pyromania humor.