A House Fit For A King

Bob's castle is battle ready to defend against pesky invading salesmen.

Located in a modestly populated subdivision, just outside of the city, Bob's neo-medieval home combines the esthetics of a traditional English castle with the comforts of modern-day living.

"I wanted to recreate an authentic 11th century castle," said Bob. "Mind you, back then they didn't have centralized heating, double-paned glass windows, or foam insulation. And I'm fairly certain electricity was unavailable in that era, except in the rarest of circumstances."

Bob's castle was built stone by stone, and the drywall was mounted sheet by sheet.

"I really wanted a moat too, but alas, I'm situated on a steep hill, and the landscaping didn't make that possible," said Bob. "I do have a koi pond in the back yard--although it doesn't quite give the same effect."

Forgiving the asphalt driveway, the wall-to-wall carpet, and the gas fireplace, Bob's castle is more-or-less authentic. The superficial differences were mostly the result of reticent building inspectors.

"I would've installed a portcullis at the front door," said Bob, "but they're a little heavy, and I heard what happened to this man's poodle when the lift latch failed. Iron bars would have been nice, but I settled on an iron-bound solid oak door with support braces, a ghoulish doorknocker, and a mail slot."

Knight's castle has a two-cart garage with a remote-controlled door that drops down like a drawbridge, a fully functional dungeon complete with a torture room which doubles as a rec-room, and several dank cells ideal for uninvited in-laws. There's even an entertainment room with a 50" plasma television, a pool table, and an armory.

Although mostly for appearances, Bob's castle is also fitted with an operational siege defense system, which includes turrets, murder holes, and crossbow mounts. The defenses are perfect when being assaulted by neighbourhood kids selling chocolate-covered almonds and raffle tickets for their sports teams. And there are stone gargoyles attached to the south wall to scare away annoying Girl Scouts.

"I can also pour boiling pitch on nosy neighbours, pesky door-to-door salesmen, or Jehovah's Witnesses," said Bob. "Although the city has already warned me twice about doing that--mainly because the acrid smoke from the burning pitch violates local pollution by-laws."

Bob recently added a trebuchet to his courtyard for use as a disposal mechanism. "I just catapult my garbage into the city landfill, or into the neighbour's yard," Bob said.

To complete the look to his castle, Bob is considering a few add-ons, including an archery range, a secret escape tunnel, and a wizard's tower that willbe tall enough to provide him decent satellite reception.