I’ll Even Play Left-Handed!
IN THE DEN– What do you mean, you won’t play me a game of chess? I’m giving you a distinct advantage: I’m offering to play left-handed!
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You can’t possibly understand how much of an upper “hand” this gives you. I might as well serve you the game on a checkerboard-embossed silver platter.
It hardly seems fair.
You know I’m a right-handed chess player–I’ve been one all my life. I’m not one of those ambidextrous players capable of maneuvering chess pieces with either hand. I’m a righty!
Look, in all my years of chess-playing, I’ve always played a droite. Whenever I’ve established an aggressive rook position, initiated a bishop fork, or performed a safe knight retreat, those pieces have been manipulated by one hand only–the right one.
Not even when castling on the queen-side have I ever attempted to introduce my left hand into the game. Yep, it was all negotiated with my dominant right hand.
Believe me, I wouldn’t know where to put my left hand on the board if I tried. Hell, I can’t even pick my nose with my left hand, much less execute complicated sacrifices in the mid-game. I’d be so clumsy, I’d probably touch a piece accidentally, forcing me to move it and likely costing me the chess match. That’s only if I don’t knock all the pieces off the board with my first left-handed sweep. Hey, that would be a forfeit right there!
They say that southpaws are uncoordinated, incapable of handling the delicately carved pieces. Well, I suppose it must be true, because it’s hard for me to even think of an activity where I would trust using the opposite hand, my left, to anything so nimble. Chess is a game of finesse, and you just don’t see left-handed chess players. Look at Randy Johnson, the giant left-handed baseball pitcher. Can you imagine him playing chess?
No, I didn’t think so.
What? You’re still not interested? Well, I can’t think of anything else that could even up your chances. I’m already giving you an overwhelming advantage by playing with a hand that is not the one I am accustomed to using. Believe me, playing with my left-hand would be harder for me, than say, using no hands. I know I could at least manipulate the alabaster pieces in my teeth if I had to.
Come on, I’ll even play black. Since I’m already handicapped, lacking the necessary hand-eye coordination to play with the weaker hand attached to my left arm, I might as well give you the first move. That should be enough to make for a challenging chess game, wouldn’t you think?
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