A Cannibal You Would Like To Meat
The following are journal entries from a unique cannibal, one with different tastes in men!
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| Cannibal cookbooks are of no interest to vegetarians. |
Yesterday I walked up to the giant cook pot where mother was preparing the evening repast. She was busy stirring her giant paddle, dropping whole turnips, carrots, and potatos into the boiling cauldron. “What’s for dinner?” I asked. “Explorers? Again?!”
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I tried leaving food on my plate, a femur I think. I told my dad I had filled up on breadfruit, but he didn’t believe me. Still, I was able to sneak the flesh under the table to my hungry pet leopard, Mr. Spots.
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It’s disgusting watching grampa eat. He can barely chew his organs, and he makes a weird whistling sound whenever he sucks on marrow. Also, I think my nose piercings might be infected—the bone keeps falling out.
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Great. Another team of missionaries paddled up to our village today. Everyone else waved and cheered while they licked their chops. I pretended to be excited, but my stomach growled in protest. I’m just not a people person.
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The village shaman chastised me for eating too many bananas. Now my parents are packing twice as much dried man meat in my lunch as before. I don’t care. I trade it with the fat kid at school for his onions.
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This morning our scouts captured a servant who had strayed from a British caravan. They said his name was “Stew.”
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My brother Bwata says: “you are what you eat”. If that’s true I guess I’ll never be a man. He’s such a dick.
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I really wanted to kiss Mitzi, behind the elders hut, but she had someone stuck in her teeth. Gross.
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I tried to tell my mom that I didn’t want to eat human flesh any more. She said the gods gave us canine teeth for a reason. Hers have fallen out.
The Toque is the world leader in Canadian humour, parody, and satire! Of course you realize that this piece of satire about vegetarian cannibals is fictitious, and only intended for entertainment purposes. Copyright The Toque (this year).
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