Dearest Father,

I write to you in earnest to request your attention to a growing concern I have regarding a curious proliferation of monsters in the space directly beneath my bed. Although I have not actually seen any monsters directly, not having musterd the courage to personally examine the inhabited area located under my bed, their presence is felt most strongly. These foul creatures are proving to be quite a nuisance, and are now affecting my ability to sleep.

As the lord of this home, I would ask you to please attend to this precarious monster situation at your earliest convenience.

Thank for your consideration in this matter.

Lovingly,

Your Son.

I am writing to you a second time to ask for your immediate assistance in respect to my yet-to-be resolved monster situation. Although I understand you are a busy man, this matter falls under your direct jurisdiction and I must insist that you make this a priority.

Because of these monsters I have been unable to make use of the toys that are stored underneath my bed, and it is now starting to affect my enjoyment of life.

I await your response.

Respectfully,

Your Son.

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Dearest Son,

Thank you for your letters of concern. Please be assured that I have not forgotten nor neglected your requests regarding your apparent monster situation, and their presumed occupation of the space underneath your bed. While you were at school, I carefully inspected your room, paying particular attention to the area below your bed, but I was unable to find any evidence of monsters. But, as a preventative measure, I had your room fumigated (specifically including the area underneath your bed) with Dr. Strom's Patented Monster-Be-Gone repellant spray.

I hope this resolves your matter.

With much affection,

Your Father.

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Dear Father,

Thank you for your polite response and kind attention to the annoying, yet persistent predicament involving the monsters and their uncomfortable proximity to my nightly sleeping area.

However, I regret to inform you that your monster spray has not had the intended affect. I still remain beseiged by nightmare-inducing creatures of darkness, many of which are continuining to inhabit the area between the floor and my bedframe. Also, I hesitate to bring this up, but I noticed that there was a wetness on my sheets this morning that smelled curiously of urine.

Please advise if you can provide an alternative solution to my frustrating monster circumstance.

Kindly,

Son.

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Dear Son,

I apologize for your continuing monster difficulties. I am puzzled. I was assured by the good people of Dr. Strom's company that their spray remedy would eradicate your monster infestation. However I will comply with your request, and take further action as necessary. In fact, you may notice today that I have installed a sophisticated monster motion detection system, a highly advanced proximity device (that surprisingly looks just like a simple nite-lite) that will most certainly resolve your ongoing monster problem, especially those ones that choose to pervade the space underneath your bed.

Thanks again for bringing this to my attention,

Father.

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Dad,

Thanks again for the quick response. Your timely actions are noted. But regretfully I must advise you that the monster detector you provided has failed to achieve the intended results. Actually, I think it might have lured even more monsters to my room. I sense that there is a lot of activity beneath my bed, but I'm still too afraid to look.

I have also noticed a sharp decrease in oxygen levels when I keep the blankets pulled over my head. Please have this situation corrected, or might I suggest that you hire a team of monster-exterminating professionals that are more adequately equipped to deal with bedroom-dwelling monsters.

Fearfully,

Son.

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Son,

I must convey my sincerest apologies for your ongoing monster misfortunes. I had no idea that the device would be so ineffective. Three years ago, I had personally tested it in your older sister's room, with great success. However, as you are a valued family member, I have gone ahead and laid an array of invisible monster traps underneath your bed, which should most certainly deter and prevent any further occupation of monsters below your bed. I have done this despite any physical evidence of monsters to this date.

Sincerely,

Dad.

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Dear Mr. Johnson,

Invisible monster traps? Sir, not only have these traps proven ineffective, they've drawn even more monsters! In fact, I'm certain the space under my bed is now so crowded with monsters, I doubt that there is room for one more gremlin, ghoulie, or boogeyman. I am beginning to question your abilities as father and role model. I hesitate to bring up the topic of emancipation, so I will allow you one last opportunity to provide a resolution to this much prolonged problem.

Also, I have forwarded copies of my drycleaning receipts, for which I demand to be reimbursed. As mother was not available for the usual laundry pick-up this week, I had no other recourse for having the embarrassing stains removed from my pajamas.

Regretfully,

Greg.

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Dear Greg,

I can assure you boy, that I have once and for all settled your issue regarding suspected monsters, demons, and other demonic creatures dwelling beneath your bedframe. You can go to sleep safely now, knowing that tonight and every night hence, there shall be no monsters lurking below your box spring, lying in wait, plotting and scheming your demise.

How can I be so certain of these statements? Because this morning after you went to school, I sawed the fucking legs off your bed.

Kindly,

Mr. Johnson (father).

PS: I deducted the labour and expenses from this month's allowance.