Sneaking Money Out Of Strife-Ridden Canada
QUEBEC CITY, CANADA– The following letter was received by one of our correspondents in the United States (several actually), and you may have seen one or more in your own mailbox:
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| Pierre-Jacques St. Martin acquired empty beer bottles from this brewery in exchange for political support. |
Dear Sir:
This letter may come to you as a surprise, due to the fact that we have not ever met before, eh, not even once. This message may sound strange, but it’s real. All I ask is that you read this letter, out loud if you want, or by moving your lips, silently mouthing the words the way that some people do–which is funny.
Nigerian Email Scam Spam diplomat
Pierre-Jacques St. Martin acquired empty beer bottles from this brewery in exchange for political support.
I am Jean-Louis St. Martin, son of the rebel Quebecois president Pierre-Jacques St. Martin of Canada, who was killed on the 22nd of September, 2002 in a Montreal uprising. We’re really pissed about that. I found your name on the Internet, and we are hoping that you can help us out, eh.
Presently there is over $500 (CDN$) in beer empties stashed away in a secret location known only to me and one other member of my family. Oh, and this one neighbourhood kid, who’s always hanging around. I think his parents like to nap in the afternoon.
My late father was raising money for his political campaign and he acquired these great quantities of beer bottles through several illicit transactions with Canadian breweries and bottle depots, a couple of decent-sized parties, and that one night where he drank himself silly after the Canadiens lost in the playoffs.
The untimely death of my father has caused great upheaval in Quebec, and I fear that my family and I are in great danger. We’re basically screwed. So I am soliciting your help to help us recover this inestimable wealth.
I am willing to share the money we get from cashing in the bottles, say 30/70. After all, they’re still our bottles, eh? What we need from you is your car, so we can get the empties to the bottle depot.
Before you can access this fortune in recyclable materials, I have to give you the necessary documents, which include the directions to the location of the bottles, a Canadian passport or reasonable facsimile, and a PASS card which will help you avoid those frickin’ long border line-ups. I’ll also provide you with suitable clothing, capable of withstanding the harsh Canadian climate.
I am requesting that you travel to the Canadian city of Ottawa (Oh-tah-wah) with a car that has a sizeable trunk–maybe even a Minivan, or a pick-up with a canopy. Nothing too obvious, but something that gets good mileage–I’m not paying for all the gas! When you get to Ottawa, I will give you instructions on how to access the amassed stock of empty Molson’s and Labatt’s bottles, and you can slowly exchange the empties for Canadian “money,” which you may be able to transfer into your own bank account through an ATM; there are at least seven of them in Canada. I am asking for your favour to do this, as the Canadian government will not be able to trace these bottles to an international traveler such as yourself.
Time is of the essence; already, my father’s enemies are searching for the secret location of the empties. Hockey season is upon us, so you may be able to use that as a distraction.
My reason for asking your assistance is an unselfish one. The political climate in Canada is sensitive and unstable. My father devoted his life to his country, and he would wish that his family were able to live safe and comfortably. The money from these bottles would see his wish fulfilled.
Please, I ask that treat this matter with the highest confidentiality–so don’t go blabbing it to your girlfriend on putting it on your website, okay?
Yours sincerely,
Jean-Louis St. Martin
This Nigerian scam parody was brought to you by The Toque, at great risk and danger to the original writers
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