Alaskans Rejoice As Internet Access Piped Into Arctic North
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ANCHORAGE, ALASKA– It has been a long and difficult process bringing the Internet to the Arctic, but with the completion of the new Alaska Internet Pipeline, residents of the 49th State will now be able to access the World Wide Web. The advanced new data pipeline, which can pump up to 9.6 gigabits of data per second (depending on the temperature), will bring a steady flow of information to the frozen Northern region.
The news is welcoming to the 18,000 residents of Alaska, who until now had relied solely upon merchant ships, sled-dogs, and four archaic teletype machines to communicate information to the rest of the world. But Alaskans will soon have the ability to send emails, hang around chatrooms, and download adult material, which will help pass the time during those eleven-month-long winters.
The 48-inch diameter broadband pipeline stretches from Seattle, Washington to Anchorage, Alaska, covering a total distance of 2,200 miles, including 1,600 miles through the Canadian province of British Columbia. The three-inch thick pipe is insulated to reduce packet loss, and a team of binary hazard specialists is on permanent standby to minimize any electronic environmental damage in the event that the pipeline leaks or bursts.
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| This data pumping station will ensure that a steady flow of information reaches Alaska. |
The pipeline, which took nine years to construct, was an expensive endeavour, costing over four billion dollars to build. The Alaskan government intends to make that money back in the form of a technology tax, and from pop-under ad revenues from their state-owned Eskimos Gone Wild website.
Nine digital pumping stations will guarantee that a steady flow of data reaches the Alaskans, and a cold storage facility has been built at the end of the pipeline that can store up to 9,600 terrabytes of information. The facility is heated to 67 degrees Fahrenheit using a series of overclocked Pentium 2 processors to ensure that Alaskan computers don’t freeze up.
Alaskans, who have been accustomed to writing hand-written personal letters and postcards, will need to develop their typing skills in order to transition to their new Internet accessibility. Community resource centers are already offering night-time classes to teach Alaskans basic typing fundamentals–but unfortunately residents will have to wait, because it won’t be dark until October.
This story about the Alaska Internet Pipeline is brought to you by The Toque,
the world leader in computer parody, online satire, and other Internet humor.
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