ENGLAND-- Queen Elizabeth II, the Queen of England has just reached her 80th birthday. And her royal majesty has stated now that she has no plans of abdicating.

The news is not surprising, as most people who are eighty years of age have the same problems leaving the throne.

NEW YORK-- Naomi Campbell has been officially suspended from the Legion of Supermodels. Campbell, the British supermodel who was arrested last week for an alleged assault on her former housekeeper, has had her supermodel status revoked, pending the outcome of her court case.

"The Legion Of Supermodels represents all things that are good...and sexy," said Leagues of Supermodels chairperson Christie Brinkley, from the Legion's headquarters in Fashion City. "Naomi's actions are contradictory to the tenets of the Legion, and she has been put on indefinite suspension until this issue is resolved."

VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA-- Do you know the whereabouts of Todd Bertuzzi? The six-foot-three, two-hundred and forty-five pound power forward was last seen headed to Italy in early February.

Todd, who is thirty-one, was supposed to show up in Turin, for the 2006 Winter Olympic Games, but was never seen on the ice.

Todd's friends and teammates warn that he may have lost his sense of direction, and if you are out looking for him, he is not likely be seen around a net. Also, Todd will tend to avoid large groups, and people carrying cameras, video equipment, or microphones.

DINING ROOM/COMPUTER DEN-- Richie Chen is saving up for just "one more" computer system. He's got five PCs at the moment, but with a sixth machine, he thinks he'll have the freedom to do everything he wants.

Oh sure, with five Pentium 4-or-better machines, he's able to play games, work with Corel Draw, Illustrator, and Photoshop, communicate on IRC, run his website, copy DVDs, and answer his e-mail, but without a sixth machine, he's not able to record television shows off of cablevision, encode videos into MPEGs, or maintain a mega music video archive.