Is Legalized Kidnapping Just Another Money Grab?

Legalized kidnapping could make ransoming profitable for everyone.

Well, it looks like you're the target of yet another kidnapping.

Let's face it--the kidnapping process is lengthy and time-consuming. In fact it's damned inconvenient, what with all the negotiating, unnecessary threats, confusing map directions over drop-off spots, shopping for black briefcases, and non-sequentializing all the money that goes into them.

And it isn't any easier for the kidnappers, who have to choose the victim, stakeout their home, calculate the worth of the kidnappee, and purchase guns, masks, duct tape, and telephone voice-disguising equipment. It's not easy to find a decent safehouse in a sellers' market. And does anyone really know how long it takes to glue together a ransom note using hundreds of random-sized newspaper cutout letters?

What a headache! Why isn't the government doing something about this? Why can't they just legalize kidnapping and make it easier for Joe UpperClass to pay the bloody ransom without disrupting his entire social schedule?

True, it would be much easier if there was a simple arbitration process in place that allowed kidnappers and victims to safely work out their sordid business transactions. Imagine the taxpayer savings from the cost of law enforcment alone.

And besides the obvious taxation benefits for all levels of government (ie. a Kidnapping Tax), there would be less of a burden on a justice system already stretched thin by enforcing parking tickets, speeding tickets, and other motor-vehicular violations. And it would allow crime investigation units to turn their attentions to more serious criminal activities, such as murder, arson, and claim-jumping.

Now, we're not going to be able to force kidnapping off the streets--it's been around for thousands of years. History shows that kidnapping was even condoned, as when the Romans kidnapped the daughters and sons of foreign statesmen in exchange for increased estates and a vote in the Senate. In the Middle Ages, kidnapping was an easy way for criminals to gain knighthood. And North American Indians kidnapped from other tribes just to keep up their numbers.

While the government won't openly endorse the practice of abducting the offspring of wealthy or politically connected citizens, individual members of cabinet have hinted they would be willing to change their position and look the other way when the son of a rich corporation is grabbed at gunpoint and forced into the back of a black sedan, especially when they consider the potential of an entirely new revenue stream.

But should the government subsidize kidnapping? Probably not. Most people believe that if you're dumb enough to get yourself kidnapped, you and family deserve to pay. But if the government was involved in a legal kidnapping process, it could make ransom benefit transactions quicker, safer, and more profitable for everyone.