Pamela Anderson's divorce news improves my chances for love.

Yes, my motives are selfish, but when it comes to women, my standards are quite high. In fact, I have Ms. Anderson on a pedestal so tall, I would get a nosebleed just trying to reach her. I also get nosebleeds when I'm nervous, and if I got that chance to talk to Pamela, my nose would surely run red with a river of bloody devotion.

Mr. Kid Rock, I never thought you were good enough for Ms. Pamela. You scratched out music on your guitar like a rusty bone saw on a cadaver, and believe me I know what that sounds like. I know Ms. Pamela has a weakness for musicians, and I could serenade her with my Baywatch theme song ballad played on my zither. It worked on my great Aunt Bernice.

Ms. Pamela, I know you're probably not ready to date again, and I respect that. When I took my sister to the prom, she had just ended it with this jerk who wanted to kiss her on the neck. I shouldn't have pushed her for that slow dance.

Oh Ms. Pamela, I know I just have so much to offer you! If only you give me the chance, I am certain we would get along splendidly. I'm not talking about marriage, right away, but we could at least consider moving in together. I'd just have to give my parents a month's notice, at the very least.

Ms. Pamela, I'll let you think it over. I know you have a lot on your mind, and you have that movie to film, and all that celebrity spindoctoring to work out. I'm going to be a little busy too with my court appearances. It'll be fine though. I'm certain the jury will take my word over that of those children.

Take your time my precious Pamela Anderson, and don't be afraid to entertain other suitors. I'm confident that I can compete with the dashing foreign charms of that interesting Kazakhi gentleman, Mr. Borat.

The Toque is the world leader in Canadian humour, parody, and Pamela Anderson satire! Of course you realize that this piece of satire about Pamela Anderson is fictitious, and only intended for entertainment purposes. Copyright The Toque (this year).