Harry Potter Series To Have Fatal Consequences

J.K. Rowling has decided that everyone must die.

Rowling, who is reportedly now richer than the Queen of England, has decided that enough is enough, and that it's time for all good things to come to a bloody end. Without giving away the ending, the incredibly-successful British author has pretty much implied that all of the characters, including Harry Potter himself, will be utterly and permanently killed.

"I was never tempted to kill [Harry Potter] off before the final because I’d always planned seven books," said Rowling. "But now, I've got so much bloody money, what's the point? I don't want to be that person who wins the lottery one night and goes back to work the next day. I'd rather get gang-shagged by a group of horny Death Eaters."

But what about the ridicilously-profitable Harry Potter franchise?

"I'm already filthy rich," said Rowling, who has assets in excess of one billion dollars. "I don't need to write screenplays, sequels, or spin-offs. I don't need to write at all. But I'm so bloody famous, if I had to, I could probably scribble a few words in lipstick on a cocktail napkin and make the New York Times bestseller list."

Rowling isn't the slightest bit concerned that ending the series violently will affect her reputation as an author.

"I don't care anymore," said Rowling. "This last book could be the worst bit of dribble ever written and I'll still make enough cash off of it to buy Buckingham Palace."

So how does Rowling intend to accomplish this fatal finale for the Harry Potter series?

"I haven't decided yet," said Rowling with a crazy grin. "Perhaps Hermione accidentally invents the Avada Kedavra virus and it infects everyone. Maybe Voldemort gets the Dementors to massacre them all over Christmas. Or maybe the broomsticks get charmed and impale everyone in a bloody, violent act of magical rage. It makes no difference. By the end of the book, there won't be a single living wizard, muggle, giant, or griffin. For all I care, they could all choke on gillyweed in the first chapter. I'll still sell 50 milion copies."

Although not official, the tentative title for the seventh book is called "Harry Potter And the Book Where Everyone Dies".

This story about the Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling is brought to you by The Toque,
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