Beauty Is The Beast

Is Fabio cursed with good looks?

"Oh cruel gods! How long must I endure?! What evil deed could my forefathers have done for me to deserve such a fate?" asked Kevin, who has chiseled features, good bone structure, and perfect hair. "Am I just a plaything of the gods, subject to their whim, and fated to be the sport of their amusement?"

Kevin didn't become "cursed" until his teens, at a time when other young men were faced with awkward issues: growth spurts, acne, and peer pressure. Kevin was fortunate to have beautiful skin, but never realized that his cosmetic good fortune was part of a greater evil.

"When I was seventeen I was already anathema," said Kevin. "Many school virgins lost their innocence to me, and it was at that time I began suspect that there was a darker meaning to my Brad Pitt-like appearance. Had I known earlier, I would've saved those thirty-five high school girls from my Adonisian lures."

Kevin looks bleakly upon his fate.

"With these damned good looks I cannot even leave my home without being stared upon lustfully by beautiful sex-crazed females, the ones with bountiful bosoms and soft pouty lips," cried Kevin. "Why oh why fickle lords of the Heavens have you beseeched me?!"

Kevin has looked for answers, but all he has been able to learn is how to satisfy the sexual desires of an endless number of willing females.

"These fertile vixens seek only to maliciously caress my perfectly-formed biceps, and my washboard-like stomach muscles. Oh what folly! Oh Gods, what did my ancestors do to thee, to have this curse passed down through so many countless generations of beautiful relatives!"

Kevin despairs.

"I beseech thee, oh powerful and ancient titans, to cast imperfection upon my pure-white teeth, my disarming smile, or my Samson-like locks, for I cannot endure this Harlequinesque nightmare much further," pleaded Kevin.

"No mortal man should be forced to submit to the sexual aggressions of so many. I fear my mortal body, even in its perfection, cannot continue to meet the unceasing sexual demands from so many casual partners, even if only one at a time."