Cold turkey can be a deadly, but tasty killer.

Bert is a long-haul truck driver, and it is important for him to remain alert when he travels the highways, especially after dinner. But Bert has a serious weakness for turkey, and he knows that if he doesn't stop "cold turkey", it could kill him--he could fall asleep at the wheel or choke on a wishbone.

Obviously, Bert is disappointed at the diagnosis from his physician, but he is taking the fowl news one slice at a time.

American statistics have shown that Turkey Disease is one of the top killers of otherwise healthy Americans around Christmas time, second only to arsenic-laced eggnog poisoning. More aging men should be ready to tighten the belt when it comes to eating turkey, but it's not as easy to stop as you may think.

After a tremendous Christmas dinner that Bert's mother-in-law lovingly prepares every holiday season, cold turkey is readily available for his immediate consumption as a leftover in soups or sandwiches. Everywhere Bert looks, someone is trying to get him to eat turkey.

To combat the cravings for a toasted cranberry-turkey-cheese melt, and to help prolong his own life, Bert is starting to drink dark-roast coffee in an effort to keep him on his toes, or at least keep his hands at "ten and two" when he's behind the wheel of his rig. But Bert knows that not even the caffeine stimulation from a double espresso is enough to counteract the effects of a delicious turkey sandwich.

Bert is fully aware of the risks of eating turkey and then driving. He almost ended up in a ditch after a turkey binge during last year's Thanksgiving feast at his sister's home in Connecticut. His car ended up on the edge of an embankment, and Bert was found unconscious with gravy stains on his shirt. Bert thought he knew his limit that night, but it's difficult for anyone to truly judge when they've eaten "too much turkey."

Now, Bert will usually ask his wife to drive home if he's been eating too much Christmas bird.

Although Bert has promised to give up cold turkey completely, no bones about it, he has been looking at other substitutes or alternatives to suppress his tummy's cravings. Presently, Bert is experimenting with a turkey-flavoured gum, and a drumstick patch, although he hasn't found the right adhesive to keep it affixed to his arm.

This story about cold turkey and quitting cold turkey is brought to you by The Toque,
the world leader in cold turkey satire, cold turkey parody, and other cold turkey humor.