Why go to a sermon when the church signboard says it all?

Look, I'm a busy guy. I gotta work, I got things to do, people to take care of, you know the drill. It's not like I don't care, I do, really I do, but I can't afford to spend half my day on Sunday sitting on my ass listening to sermons.

That's why I like reading the billboards in front. It's like reading the Cole's Notes of the week's sermon on my way to work, or when I'm getting smokes or whatever. In fact, it's better than church, because I see the same damn message every day for a week! How often do you actually go to church?

Not only that, I get to hit about half a dozen churches--and all their signs--when I head over Roger's place on Saturday for poker. Can you imagine sitting through six different church services? I'm sure they probably wouldn't even let me in the front door of half of them if I was to go in person. It's not like I dress like a slob, not like Roger, but I'm not wearing a dress shirt with tie, you know what I mean?

No, by reading the messages on the sign boards I get the same message as those who are sitting inside, but without all the dull stuff. All those long, boring sermons summarized in one sentence, distilled, if you pardon the phrase, into a witty proverb or something.

Hey, I believe in God just as much as the next guy. I'm all for Jesus and the Holy Ghost. More power to them, but I just can't handle sitting in a stuffy church with my ass sweating on those hard wooden pews, listening to that crappy organ music. And don't get me started on the choir!

If I can drive by and read this week's billboard message, I'm getting the same information as those who are being preached to. It's like a theological haiku, or limerick or whatever those short poems are, but without the rhymes, and without the dirty jokes. You know what I mean. The whole thing is shortened down into one sentence. It's easier to remember too.

Every time I drive by the church I'll check out the latest message. I'm done in like, a minute, giving me more time to watch Sunday football or whatever else I have to do.

I mean, who really wants to spend two hours listening to a pious windbag ramble on about the Caananites and Philistines. If I want to know about them I'll watch the AFL.

This way is quick, snappy and gets to the point right away. I get the same message as the worshippers inside, and I get to avoid the collection plate.